Malka's Musings

Food For Thought

2006-02-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

This is what man is all about; this is the purpose of his creation and of the creation of all the worlds, supernal and lowly - to make for G-d a dwelling in the physical world

— Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi

Modest Sunbathers

2006-01-27T16:19:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me...

2006-01-24T10:42:00.000-05:00

Another year has come and gone... I've found that as I get older, I don't really care so much for birthdays anymore.. what's the big deal? I have no problem with getting older

One To Watch...

2006-01-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

Came across this new blog!

Please Say Tehillim ...

2006-01-16T17:16:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone who took the time to include these ladies in their prayers. The surgery has been temporarily postponed due to complications. A new donor must be found.
==========================
For Antonietta bas Filomena who will undergo a liver transplant on January 23 and also for Joanna bas Antonietta who will be giving her Ima the much needed liver.

It's been a while..

2006-01-16T12:04:00.000-05:00

I have all but abandonned blogging. I still read the odd blog but for the past while now my interest has waned. The whole Yaakov drama had me pretty swept up and this was a good outlet for me to vent. That being said, life is back to normal, well, sort of. I am for sure not the same woman as I was before Yaakov. There have been so many changes in my life in the past year. I am still studying to convert though I admit to sometimes having second thoughts. I guess I'm just afraid. I sometimes wonder if this fear that I have is a sign that my commitment to yiddishkeit isn't as true or as strong as I and countless others, including Yaakov and my rabbi, thought it to be. I look at my friends and colleagues who are getting married, buying houses, starting families and I start to think that this won't happen to me, that I'll end up being a converted spinster and that scares the crap out of me even more. Or worse still, I'll fall head over heels for someone completely wrong for me and, quite obviously not Jewish. Argh! I wish there were a simple solution. Things were easier when Yaakov was around - at least I had a sounding board of sorts... I could go to him and tell him about what I was learning, ask questions in the middle of the night when learning about Family Purity just freaked me out.. but now he isn't there to guide me or answer my questions.. There is no one but me.. Me and my rabbi whom I haven't contacted in a while. Even Hannah is no longer in my life - we had a falling out just before Yom Kippur and we are no longer on speaking terms. This makes me sad but the situation can't be changed or made better. So here I am, turning in circles or so it seems.

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for the New Year...

2006-01-16T12:02:00.000-05:00

Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather it pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in North America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

2005-11-07T17:12:00.000-05:00

It is a tree of life for those who grasp it, and its supporters are happy.

Its ways are pleasant and its paths are peaceful.

Bring us back, Lord, to You, and we will return;

renew our days as of old.

(Proverbs 3:18, Lamentations 5:21)

The existence of the universe is sufficient proof of the existence of G-d.

2005-09-27T16:44:00.000-04:00

Here are the rules:
.1. Delve into your blog archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
My 5th sentence from my 23rd post is:
The existence of the universe is sufficient proof of the existence of G-d.

Thanks NJ!

Jewish holidays policy affirmed

2005-09-21T08:36:00.000-04:00

Posted here without permission from the Toronto Star but with full credits:

LOUISE BROWNEDUCATION REPORTER
A York University senate committee has recommended the school continue its long-standing practice of cancelling classes on Jewish holidays, despite some professors' concerns it violates the school's constitution.
York's senate will receive a report tomorrow from its committee on curriculum and academic standards that concludes it would be disruptive to hold classes on Jewish holidays on a campus where an estimated one in 10 students is Jewish.
However history professor David Noble, who is Jewish, says he intends to teach on the three days in October usually cancelled for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, despite York's policy, because York is a secular, public university.
At least one other professor has indicated he will also teach on those days.
"It's an outrage that the third-largest university in Canada, with 90 per cent of its students not Jewish, does not hold classes on Jewish holidays. It's a violation of York's own constitution," says Noble.
It was Noble's complaint last year that prompted the senate to seek a report on the 30-year-old practice of cancelling classes each October.
Noble says the practice violates a section of the York University Act of 1965, which states no "religious observances ... be imposed" upon any member of the university community.
However, York spokesperson Nancy White disagrees with Noble's interpretation.
"This section was intended to protect members of the university from being forced to comply with another religion as a condition of employment. But no one is making anyone go to any religious service," White says.
She said suspending classes for all on Jewish holidays is a practical solution because of the number of Jewish students who would miss classes.

Towel Waving.. LOL

2005-09-20T20:55:00.000-04:00

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during S e x and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during S e x. So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having S e x. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have S e x with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, that's how you wave a towel!"

Should they or not?

2005-09-13T13:28:00.000-04:00

Came across this article in the Toronto Star. Posted here without permission of course but am giving full credits to the author. This is a good question..

Keep classes on Jewish holidays: Prof
LOUISE BROWNEDUCATION REPORTER

A York University professor is calling on Queen's Park to stop the school's tradition of cancelling three days of classes in October to honour Jewish holidays.
While York is believed to have more Jewish students than any university in Canada — at nearly 5,000, they represent almost 10 per cent of the student body — history professor David Noble says no public, secular university should cancel classes for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah or any other religious holiday, especially in a province that plans to outlaw religious arbitration.
Noble, who is Jewish, plans to hold classes in open defiance of the cancellations, which he says violate the York University Act of 1965 forbidding the university to impose religious observances on any of its members. "We have a secular government and a secular university that makes it illegal to impose religious observances on students and professors who otherwise would not honour them," he said. Noble doesn't plan to defy cancelling classes on religious holidays like Good Friday because they're statutory.
A provincial spokesperson said Queen's Park respects universities' right to set policies. A York spokesperson said the university adopted the practice in 1974 at the suggestion of a student, adding the rule against imposing religious observation was meant to protect religious freedom.
Since Noble objected to the policy last year, a senate subcommittee has been reviewing the issue and will report this year. He's since complained to Queen's Park because he's not satisfied with York's response.
Professor Martin Lockshin, an observant Jew, said while York is believed to be the only university in Canada that does not hold classes on Jewish holidays, several campuses of the State University of New York also do not.

Jewish Hurricane Relief Fund

2005-09-06T23:11:00.000-04:00

Jewish Hurricane Relief Fund
770 Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn, NY 11213
718-774-4000

Malka lives... lol

2005-09-06T22:24:00.000-04:00

I'd like to thank those of you who took time to email or post comments wondering where I've been hiding lately! I am well and have just been a little busy with the new job these days. I've also been thinking a lot about my journey, where it's taken me and where I am headed in the long-term.... Thus far my blogging experience has been cathartic and amusing. I have encountered some wonderful people through this and for that I am thankful.

There are days when I think that I should stop converting but then, when I really analyze the situation, the mere thought of that makes me really sad and increases my resolve to see it through to the end. I guess I have been on the self-pity wagon but there is no one to blame but myself - I got myself into this! What I am trying to say is that when things are hard, I sometimes get down but never down enough that I am ready to throw in the towel. Which brings me to the conclusion that my conversion is genuinely sincere and that I AM doing it for the right reasons. In light of the whole Yaakov situation, it was only normal that I reflect on the past year and, part of that exercize had me be really honest with myself in terms of my reasons for embarking on such a dramatic life-changing journey. Even I wasn't sure to what extent he was a reason for me wanting to convert. That being said, I am now 100% sure that I was never converting for him - he was merely the "messenger" put on my path to show me the light.

Some of you will be relieved to know that, since his recent nuptials Yaakov has only emailed me once and that email went without a reply on my part. I must admit that it feels weird and good all at once to not have him in my life anymore. On the one hand, my natural inclination is to be his friend, but, on the other hand, we cannot, under any circumstances, be friends - we crossed that boundary and there is just no going back! Doesn't change that I sometimes grab the phone and dial his number because I want to tell him something, only to hang up before it connects. Over time I guess that will pass.

Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting the beautiful Kiki who was in my city on a stop-over. We had a great time and talking to her felt like I was talking to someone I'd known forever. She is one cool Mama! I look forward to getting to know her better!

Boy Vey!

2005-08-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

I've been reading Kristina Grish's Boy Vey! The Shiksa's Guide to Dating Jewish Men and I have to admit, it is very clever if only that! There are a few points on which I disagree with the author, but the book is good fun.. Chapters range from "Why Choose A Chosen One" to "The First Shtup" and so on.. It's certainly not great literature, but it made for a relaxing Sunday afternoon read. I know, it's not exactly what the good Rabbi prescribed as conversion reading but, after being immersed in Maurice Lamm's Becoming A Jew, this girl needed a serious break!

In other news, today was the first day on the new job. I didn't do much but meet new faces. Already the boss man is talking of increasing my salary! Whoo!

Aside from that, I am dealing well with Yaakov's impending nuptials and thank all of you who offered to be my date - as I previously stated, I won't be attending!

Well, I really should catch some zzz's...

He Had The Nerve..

2005-08-10T04:10:00.000-04:00

to invite me to his wedding.

Update...

2005-08-09T10:26:00.000-04:00

I am still alive! I am currently on vacation and not blogging too much these days.. I've been spending time studying and reading and will come back soon to give a better update.

Orgasm Simulator

2005-08-09T10:24:00.000-04:00

Someone emailed me this link.. ha!

The Long Awaited Lost Spirit Interview

2005-07-28T13:50:00.000-04:00

1) Your rabbi tells you that you can choose to convert and you can drop one i.e only have to keep 612, what one would you drop?

That's a hard question but I think I would eliminate the need to not "boil a kid in its mother's milk." (Ex. 23:19; Ex. 34:26; Deut. 14:21). I'm not a big fan of cheeseburgers but removing this restriction would eliminate the need for waiting 6 hrs between milchig and fleishig, thus allowing me to cook meat dishes with cheese.. I just love lasagna.. mmm

2) You’re on a desert island and you can make one 60 second phone call; to whom would it be and what would you say?

Eeek that is a hard one.. I would call Pizza Pizza and order an extra large, thin crust, extra cheese, extra pepperoni, bacon, green olive and mushroom pizza with a six pack of coca-cola and a dozen chicken wings; then I would invite the delivery guy to partake of my pic-nic and beg him to drive me home! I would probably call my mom and sister to tell them that I love them and miss them, that I'm sick of coconut and to please trace the number and send a rescue party to fetch me outta there!

3) You have one session of passion as a black widow, who would you take to bed?

Ok, first of all Malka is NOT a fan of spiders but I do like the idea of mating and then eating my mate.. LOL Seriously though, I would want to take more than one person.. I will refer to them by the nick-names I gave them.. I would take CameraGuy (he was a camera man for a local tv station) because he was the first to ever kiss me to an orgasm and he just rocked my world so I'd want a little bit of him. Then I'd bring along "Fugly" because of his oral skills, the Italian Stallion because he's well-hung, Yakov because I like hanging out with him, my Yeshiva Boy (yes, I'd bring you along too!)... ok, this is turning into an orgy.. LOL there are others I would want to bring but I'm going quit while I am ahead!

4) Is your life philosophy “if in doubt do with out” or is it “rather regret then doubt”?

I would say I'm definitely a "when in doubt do without" - if I don't have it and can't afford to get it or have doubts, then I do without! I would rather not regret anything that I've done or said so I'm really careful to avoid situations where that might occur.

5) You are being peeped on, would you cover up or flash even more?

Depends who's looking.. I'm mischevious so, if I was "into" the person peeping, I might just show them more.. but if I thought they were sick or unattractive, I'd cover up.

Now the rules again: ( You need to put these in your post)1) Leave me a comment saying "interview me please."2)I will respond by asking you five questions ( not the same as above)3)You will update your blog/site with the answeres to the questions.4) You will include ths explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them five questions.

A Special Grocery List..

2005-07-27T14:30:00.000-04:00

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food. John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can." John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store. Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.

The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?" Louise replied, "Yes sir." "OK" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries." Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed. The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.

The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it." The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more. The grocer stood there in utter disgust.

Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: "Dear G-d, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands." The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said: "It was worth every penny of it.. Only G-d Knows how much a prayer weighs."

The NJ Interview, part deux...

2005-07-27T12:24:00.000-04:00

I am bored stiff at work.. NJ has gladly obliged and granted me a second interview ;-)

1) How often do you pray? What do you pray for?

I pray everyday, at least twice a day. I am still learning (Amidah..) so, aside from Shema, I pray for my country, Israel, the Queen, the Prime Minister, the Ministers, my family, my friends, some particulars, I pray for protection, good health...

2) If you could make one "Store" in the shopping world disappear, which would it be? why?

Yikes, that is a hard questions since I am a shop-a-holic! If I could, I'd make all the stores that sell clothes that don't fit me disappear! I honestly can't think of one store that I hate so much I'd want it gone..

3)Do you think Adrien Brody is a good actor? explain

The only movie of his I have ever seen Roman Polanski's The Pianist and I thought he was an excellent actor - he doesn't look like your typical H0llywood star yet his talent and charisma are undeniable. I don't get how someone could walk away with an Oscar for Best Actor against nominees who had previously won and not be the talk of the town and be offered plum roles.. I thought his performance as Wladyslaw Szpilman was incredible and it brought tears to my eyes throughout the movie. I like that he (Brody) marches to the beat of his own drum!

4)Did you ever cry after hearing a song on the radio? If so which song?

Yes, there are a few songs that make me cry or become misty-eyed. One is a country song by Gary Allan called "The One"; the other is another country song by Travis Tritt "I don't Love You Anymore"; Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings"... yes, I have a lot of "moment" songs... heheheh

5)How many hours a day do you spend in Blogsville? Do you think it is too little or too much or just right?

I probably spend an hour or two combined - I keep coming back throughout the day... I don't think it's too much - I usually read in the morning, lunch and at night, and this is only if my favourite people have updated.. otherwise I don't surf for new blogs..

Finally!

2005-07-27T12:05:00.000-04:00

Women don't have this problem! It's about time someone came up with a solution though!

On Newstands in Khandahar

2005-07-27T12:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, I know this is in poor taste but I am posting it anyway..

Hmmm

2005-07-27T11:56:00.000-04:00

Came across this pic - don't recall where anymore..

The Ghetto Interview..

2005-07-26T20:46:00.000-04:00

1. as myself and lost revealed our most embarressing sexual moment time to strip off and reveal all
Oh my! Where do I begin? There are so many that come to mind.. I guess I could share a few! I apologize in advance for the graphic details - I hope no one is too offended. So here I was, in bed with the guy I was seeing at the time. We'd been going at it for a few hours, on and off. During a "break", he started to fondle me and, noticing that I was still arroused he got excited and we gave it another go. As usual, it was pretty good until the lights came on and there was blood everywhere. I was mortified! There's also the time I was giving someone a blow job and he came in my mouth without warning - I gagged and vomitted all over him. I also accidentaly cut the cheese while receiving oral sex not once but twice! I was laughing my ass off and he was the consumate gentleman - he never even came up for air!

2. you have 24hours to life( cholilah) how do you spend it?
I would like to make a few phone calls to let some folks know how much they have meant to me and how deeply I love them. Some of these people know already but I think one can never be told "I love you and you mean the world to me"; enough times; I would want to go to the spa and be pampered, have my hair, nails done.. Then I would want to dress in my finest threads and have a party with all my loved ones and closest friends where we would drink, eat and be merry. After the party, I would want to have sex til I die while having multiple orgasms.

3.what cookie/ cake best describes you?

If I were a cookie it would have to be peanut butter; you know, the kind with a firm, well baked outer edge but a soft, chewy centre. Satisfying with just the right amount of sweetness and so tasty with a glass of cold milk. Now if I were a cake, I would say it would have to be a black forest cake - fluffy cream icing and dark chocolate shavings covering moist rich chocolate that soothes the palate, the finest cherries in the centre.. Mmmmm

4. some dorky looking guy is giving you the eyes what would you say to get rid of him?
Ha! Maybe I like dorks! This happened recently - I ran into this guy who's been "chasing" me since I was 16 one night after work. I spotted him and tried to make like I hadn't noticed but he said hello so I couldn't be rude. Anyway, we made small talk til finally he asked when I was going to go out with him - he said that I was breaking his heart and torturing him, that all he wanted was to show me a good time and treat me like a lady - to which I replied that my religion did not allow me to date him. Being that he is muslim, he of course asked what religion this was so I proudly told him that I was in the process of becoming a Jewess and would only date nice Jewish guys for the purpose of marriage. In other situations I have said that I was a lesbian to get rid of a guy, that I had a contagious disease.. whatever works!

5. on becoming a jew which mitzvah /minhag made you laugh the most?
Well, I can't say that I've found any particular mitzvot or minhagim funny per se but I have to tell you that I laughed my ass off when I came across the blessing upon seeing someone or something ugly while thumbing through the pages of the siddur.. The "thank you G-d for not having made me a woman" made me smile because it's true - G-d only gives you what you can handle and it would be a pretty sad place if there were only women in the world. Aside from that, I was horrified when I started reading about being niddah - this was before I met with my rabbi and I was freaked out by the idea of taking my soiled thong to the Rabbi so he could tell me if I was niddah or not. Even weirder was the idea of inserting a cloth to check.. Then I asked Yakov about it because I thought it was a joke or some freakish old minhag but, alas, it is not so! He was really good about explaining it all..

Interview by Bleemy Hornygirlowitz

2005-07-25T15:13:00.000-04:00

Hey Bleemy, glad the cartoons amused you - I didn't see the Blow Me one on your blog - got it in same email as other ones I posted..

Ok, here are my answers to your questions...

1-Have you ever had sex outdoors? Was it good?

I actually had sex on the beach.. in October. I was pretty drunk at the time and it seemed like a good idea. So off we went, found a spot and proceeded to go at it. I remember that he was a hot volleyball player and the sex was amazing.. At some point there was someone parked on the beach watching us go at it. The next morning, however, I realized that I brought home 10 pounds of sand in my pants.. it was all over the house, my bed... fond memories though!

2- Do you consider yourself sexy?

Yessss. I am very comfortable with my body, with my sexuality. I am a huge flirt and I think that I am very sexy.

3- What was your favorite part of "Silence of the Lambs"? why?

Hmm it's been a while but I liked the whole exchange when Jodi Foster goes to visit Hannibal in prison and they talk.. in a twisted way, their exchange can be seen as very erotic - he knows he's not just dealing with a dumb cop and there is an undeniable connection between them.. I am facinated by human "chemistry"..

4- How often do you let your fingers do the walking, when you are horny? ( i tried to pose that as cleanly as possible! I hope u understand my Q)

Honestly, on an almost daily basis, sometimes more than once a day..

5-If you could have mindblowing sex with one of the following people, who would u choose?
a)Bill Clinton
b)Madonna
c)John Travolta
d)Angelina Jolie
e)Clay Aiken

Umm, I'd like to reserve the right to pick two - so my choices would be a and d. Bill Clinton because he is experienced and could be amusing and Angelina Jolie because she is smokin' hot!

Now the rules again: ( You need to put these in your post)
1) Leave me a comment saying "interview me please."2)I will respond by asking you five questions ( not the same as above)3)You will update your blog/site with the answeres to the questions.4) You will include ths explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them five questions.

Have You Ever Felt Like This?

2005-07-25T14:01:00.000-04:00

Funnies..

2005-07-25T13:50:00.000-04:00

Interview with a "Sharp Knife" ;-)

2005-07-24T21:41:00.000-04:00

1) What was the first album/single you bought and why?

Hmm the year was 1982, I was a whole 8 years old and crazy about Michael Jackson's Thriller! I remember hearing Billie Jean and just being mesmerized by the video.That had to be the first cassette I ever begged my Mom to buy for me. Thriller has got to be one of THE best albums ever released..it is the all-time best selling album in North America for a reason!I used to have these black "pleather" pants, a MJ t-shirt, MJ earings, a glittery glove.. I had this huge poster of MJ hanging in my bedroom..He may be wacko but I still love my Jacko!

2) If you were born Jewish, do you think you'd still have the desire to stay, or give it up and convert somewhere else?

I imagine that if I were born Jewish I'd be married for almost 10-12 years by now, I'd probably have half a football team worth of kids... hehehe Seriously, I think if I were born Jewish I wouldn't change a thing, why convert to something else? The grass isn't always greener elsewhere and there would be no real point in practicing a religion that can retrace its roots to Judaism when I am a Jew... Nothing worth having ever comes easily, and that includes religion and a relationship with G-d. I sometimes think of the sacrifices I am making to convert and I question whether it's worthwhile, but that only ever lasts a few minutes and then I take stock of the changes that I have made and I am so much happier... sure, I worry about finding a man who will have me, about being a good Jewess, about being accepted and building a personal network of Jewish friends on whom I can count but I am confident that Hashem will lead me in the right direction.

3) On becoming a Jew, what was/will be the hardest thing to give up?

Ha! The short answer would be pork and sex! Seriously though, will be hard to give up shopping and driving places on Shabbos, giving up wearing pants (specially during cold Canadian winters).. I don't have too much trouble letting go of Christmas for example because I have long found these holidays to be too commercial and devoid of any meaning. It may be hard to give up Mom's cooking but, since she doesn't cook all that often anymore, I will survive!

4) What is the wackiest thing you have ever done?

Aaah wacky is my middle name! Ok, where to begin.. well, when I was 16, I went to a house party at a friend's. We were all very drunk and I let this guy draw Bart and Marge Simpson on my calves with a Jiffy Pen (you know, those large black permanent ink markers)... looked real smart.. NOT! I also once drove a taxi cab while the driver sat in the back seat with my friend. He let me drive the car to the bar, then I got out and paid him... My girlfriends and I once drove to a radio station in the middle of the night and flashed our boobs to the DJ for free CDs.. ok.,. no more incriminating tidbits

5) Why are you blogging? What made you start / continue?

I was lonely and bored - Yakov had just left for Europe and I was missing him. One night, while surfing, I came across the Renegade Rebbetzin's blog and I read all of her posts and became hooked. Took about a week of reading other blogs before I decided that I was going to do my own. At first I wanted it to be a chronicle of my conversion process, a place where I could express my feelings about Yakov and what was going with us then...but now it's taken on a completely different form... I enjoy blogging because it's a medium by which I can write about stuff on my mind but also exchange with others and, in some cases, make great friends whose advice and opinions I value and respect.

The Yeshiva Boy interview... LOL

2005-07-22T14:48:00.000-04:00

These interview questions are from my one and only favourite Yeshiva boy !

1) What would be the one thing that you would consider commiting suicide for?
I would never commit suicide - I love life way too much to ever do that, it's not even a consideration. I can appreciate that some folks are in so much pain that this seems like the only plausible solution for them but the pain and devastation that those left behind experience is just too much! Some view suicide as the ultimate act of selfishness, some view it as the most courageous thing one can do - when you decide to kill yourself, you have the power don't ya? But what of your family, friends, lovers,... Worse still, what if you try and don't succeed and you end up all screwed up and still conscious that you messed it up? Now THAT would suck! Bottom line, nothing is worth dying for except of course if G-d decides that my time has come, in which case it will happen because he willed it, not because I decided to play G-d to escape my problems.

2) If you would be the president what law would you add to the constitution?

Good question! There would likely be many that I would like to see enacted. My first item of business would be to establish a law by which a President cannot be impeached for engaging in foreplay.. (BC said it best - "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"... I love that sentence and everytime I plug it somewhere it conjures a silly pic of BC repeating it over and over.. ). I would also write a law by which yeshiva bachurim and youth in general, such as yourself, be given a free post-secondary education in a secular college of their choice in exchange for four years of service upon graduation of college or university. Kinda like the army but minus the discipline and guns! I would push for medical castration of sexual offenders for one - look at all the stories that have been in the news of late involving sexual predators hurting children, killing entire families to satisfy their depraved, sick needs. I would also want to enact laws so that poor folks receive the help they need to become productive members of society - overall if I were the president, I would spend more on social programs though, if I am president of the US, I would also need to spend lots on defence and, as president, I would enact a law that forces me to mind my own business sometimes! Ok, you've almost got me on the verge of stripping off my clothes and running through my office yelling "I am a democrat dammit".... This was a trick question wasn't it?

3) Which Actor would you like to meet and why?

Hmm I am torn between a few people.. Al Pacino because he rocks, Robert deNiro (no explanation needed), Hugh Grant because I would like to ask him how it is that he didn't know that prostitute he hired in LA was a man! Jude Law because he is a babe (he could eat crackers in my bed!!)and, while she's not an actor, I would love to meet Oprah Winfrey because she is a smart woman who has overcome adversity, obesity, abuse, to become hugely successful and she works everyday to spread kindness and joy and help folks..

4) If you could become a mermaid, would you? Why or why not?

I would only become a mermaid if I had a merman to keep me company! How do mermaids have sex though? Where would the merbabies come from? Would there be a mersynagogue nearby? I hope there are seashells large enough to cover my boobs! LOL ok.. totally inappropriate but I'm having fun here! Ultimately though, I would likely not become a mermaid because I would miss my family and the comforts of life above!

5) Do you believe in reincarnation and who would you want to be reincarnated as ?

I don't believe in it but, for the sake of this, let's say I do. So, I think that I would want to be reincarnated as a house cat that belongs to a good owner- I would love to do nothing but chase mice, sleep in the sun on a pillow, sofa, lick myself, eat kitty treats, purr, lick myself, pounce on other cute kitties, eat catnip and roll around...

Now the rules again: > ( You need to put these in your post)
1) Leave me a comment saying "interview me please."
2)I will respond by asking you five questions ( not the same as above)
3)You will update your blog/site with the answeres to the questions.
4) You will include ths explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them five questions.

Interview by Yiddishe Mamme

2005-07-22T12:24:00.000-04:00

1- what do you think your closest friends would say they love most about you?

I would say that my closest friends most love my honesty and my generosity. I tell it like it is, I find a way to say the hard things and am careful not to hurt anyone in the process. I am generous to a fault and love to help any way that I can. I am always there for the people that I care for and love.

2- what do you think is the first impression people get of you?

Wow... that is a hard one. I think I sometimes come across as a know-it-all which tends to mostly intimidate men (who happen to know less.. LOL); I also think I come across as someone who talks alot. I just asked my summer student and she said that her first impression was that I am a no "bs" "I mean business and don't take crap from anyone" type of person - which, in my opinion, is pretty accurate! I have also been told that I am insanely nice and kind.

3- Once people get to know you better, how does their impression of you change from their first impression, if at all?

My student says that I am less intimidating and easy to talk to... I am really a pussy cat in armour... LOL I would say that when people get to know me they realize that I am sweet and very funny and not intimidating.

4- what's your favorite animal? why?

My favourite animal would be my kitty - he's 15 years old, beautiful and he totaly looooooves me! and I love him too - he comforts me when I am sad, he sleeps with me at night - he's my baby! I also love my sister's dog because he's got such a cute little personality of his own.. I call the dog "boyfriend" because he's always on my lap when I visit them.. Ideally, I would like to have a westie because they are soooooooo cute!

5- If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Oh wow.. well, I'm going to interpret this question largely and go for a complete meal of Prime Rib Roast with potatoes, carrots and other veggies, a salad, some good red wine, some bread and, for dessert, the moistest, richest tasting chocolate cake with some fine French coffee..

Rules of Play
1) Leave me a comment saying "interview me please."2)I will respond by asking you five questions ( not the same as above)3)You will update your blog/site witht the answeres to the questions.4) You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them five questions.

The Mezzuza...Updated

2005-07-20T21:30:00.000-04:00

Yakov came over last night to finish going through the last of his boxes. When he arrived, I fessed up to the whole mezzuza story. As he was leaving, he said that he wanted me to have it to hang in what will be my very own first time ever kosher home one day! I'm glad I owned up to the lie - it's sooooo not like me to do that to begin with, but mostly because now I can hang it with pride, knowing that he gave it to me and genuinely wanted me to have it.
____________________________________
Okay, here's the story with the mezzuzot...

Yakov has been in Europe for the past 2 months or so. He asked me to empty his apartment of its contents. As I was packing up his belongings, I removed the mezzuzot because we don't know that the next occupants will be Jews. He had removed the scrolls from the cases, except for the one that was on the outside of the apartment.

Anyway, when he was over yesterday, we were going through boxes and came across all of them but one - the one I kept. I didn't steal it, I just kept it. I know it's wrong and I will give it to him tonight.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

The Interview Game

2005-07-20T14:24:00.000-04:00

Came across this on NormalJew's blog this morning.. thought it would be fun to play along.. any other takers?

1) What was the last spontaneous thing you did? Did you regret it afterwards?

I was very drunk one night and I went back to Yakov's with this guy that I hadn't seen in a long time. In the heat of the moment I thought I wanted it, but I didn't really and yes, I kind of regret having brought him there but I'm also glad I did because it allowed me to realize that what I was doing was wrong!

2) What is your favorite part of the movie "Shrek"?

I'd say my favourite part is when Fiona chooses to be with Shrek and becomes an ogress.

3) If you could choose to be someone else, who would it be?

Hmm do I have to choose someone else? I'd be quite happy being me, only thinner and richer! But if I absolutely must choose , I'd want to be a billionnairess so that I could take care of my friends and family and give loads of money to those in need.

4) Do you have a BEST friend? If so, what do you love about her/him?

I am blessed with 2 best friends - my sister and Yakov. My sister and I have, over the past few years, become closer than ever. As kids we used to fight all the time - she'd slap me, punch me, hurt me.. you name it, she did it. However, we are now the best of friends and I love that she knows what I am thinking, she knows when I am hurting and I don't even need to say a word, she knows how to cheer me up, she is supportive of me, she tells me when she thinks I am full of it or just plain wrong.. As for Yakov, I would say that I love his strength, his discipline, his resolve, I love how he can tell from the tone of my voice that something happened, I love how he shares and teaches me things and how he supports me in my quest to become a Jewess and a better, more balanced and wholesome person.

5) What was the last lie you told?

That would be yesterday, while with Yakov.. He asked where one of his mezzuzot was and I said I didn't know.. well, the truth is, I kept it..

Rules of Play (lol)
1) Leave me a comment saying "interview me please."
2)I will respond by asking you five questions ( not the same as above)
3)You will update your blog/site witht the answeres to the questions.
4) You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them five questions.

Afternoon with Yakov

2005-07-20T11:35:00.000-04:00

As I previously mentionned, Yakov is in town to tie up some loose ends before he gets married at the end of August. Prior to his arrival, I coordinated his "move" and all of this things are now safely stored in my garage. Anyway, that is not the point here.. Yesterday afternoon, we made plans for him to come and sort through his boxes and eliminate as much of it as possible.

So there we were, sitting in my driveway, going through box after box of books, talking and giggling just like we used to. Again, he was far too generous, giving me all kinds of things - I will be really well equipped when I leave home, that's for sure! At one point, I asked him if he was excited about getting married. It took him a while to answer and, when he finally did, it wasn't a yes or a no, it was more of a whine. What's up with that? I thought he'd be happier - he is finally getting what he wants - or at least I thought that's what he wanted. I guess it's a little weird to be discussing your impending nuptials with your ex, but I'm totally ok with it so I thought it was fair game for conversation.. Seing as how my question didn't go over so well, I didn't bring it up again except to comment on his lack of enthusiasm.

Later in the evening, he called me. He proceeded to give me a big speech about how when I was going to choose a husband I needed to base my decision on logic - compatability, common goals, etc., rather than to choose a person based on the feeling that they are the "right" one. He said if I was able to do that my search would be easier and quicker. I asked him why he was telling me these things, why now? To which he answered that I needed to hurry with conversion and get married and start having kids, that time was of the essence here. Again, weird cryptic answer that, in my opinion, makes no sense since I don't imagine my conversion will be complete in the next six months. I get the feeling that he feels a need to justify his decision, that if he convinces me he's doing the right thing then it will be right by him also..

I can appreciate that logic should take precedence over emotion in making this type of decision. The divorce rate among secular couples speaks loudly to that effect. However, gentiles aren't socialized that way. We (females, girls, young ladies) grow up with this notion, albeit twisted, that somewhere out there Prince Charming is just waiting to sweep us off our feet and carry us to a new place where we will live happily ever. Well, in real life, it doesn't quite work out that way. I have seen first hand how people get married because they're "in love" only to end up separating shortly after they marry. In my opinion they "think" they're in love and they end up discovering that they're really not compatible, can't stand one another and that there is just no love there. A married friend recently told me that the biggest lesson she has learnt as a married woman is that sometimes you let go of things that are important to you in order to make your marriage work. Compromise. Give and Take. That's what it's about.

A B C's

2005-07-20T10:00:00.000-04:00

received this in my work email... thought I'd share ;-)

Say what you mean and Mean what you say

2005-07-19T11:56:00.000-04:00

This post is in part inspired by Karl's post and how we "delude ourselves into thinking we are doing something, when in reality we are just making excuses, covering up reality with a few well chosen words. Saying one thing and meaning another."

Karl's words struck a chord... I've been thinking alot lately about my life, my conversion process, my career, my family, basically taking stock of things, where I stand, where I am going, etc. I've come to realize that there are some aspects of my life which need some work, that I may have convinced myself that everything is fine but really it isn't.

My conversion process has all but stalled. Why is that? It's stalled because I procrastinate and waste time. I could be reading and studying but I find other things to occupy my time. I've even asked myself if this is what I really wanted - that perhaps I'm in over my head... But then when I think of what my life was and would be like, I don't want to go back to the way things were. There is no doubt in my heart that I am doing the right thing for the right reasons. I just need to stop making excuses, get up off my lazy ass and DO it!

The same goes for work - there are so many things I could be doing but I'm not. I sometimes feel bad that I am not giving my 100%, that I can get away with giving about 35% and it already being more than what the average person gives. Imagine if I were to give 110%, I'd blow everyone away! Point is, I am not as productive at work as I could or should be and that also needs to change. I am about to start a new job soon, one with more stress and greater responsibility -- time to clean up my act and give it my all!

I could go on and on but I won't. Suffice it to say that from this day forth I resolve to stop fooling around, stop procrastinating and get with the program.. I must move forward with my life and my projects and see them to fruition.

Hallmark Cards that never made it...

2005-07-18T18:30:00.000-04:00

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Reality Check...

2005-07-18T18:25:00.000-04:00

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

13. You read this entire list, and keep nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this reality check from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

New meanings to PMS..

2005-07-18T18:18:00.000-04:00

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
...and my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Chain Letter Emails...

2005-07-15T08:58:00.000-04:00

Received this from a friend...

Hello, my name is John Clark and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion freakin' chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!" What a bunch ! of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 CE and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

Screw 'em. If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't freaking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 15 bucks

A Must Read...

2005-07-12T10:19:00.000-04:00

Came across this on the fabulous Renegade Rebbetzin's blog... Please check it out

In need of new vocabulary?

2005-07-11T15:58:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd be the goyfer and invite you to visit Kiki's blog for some new vocabulary acquisition..

Candid Conversation

2005-07-11T14:33:00.000-04:00

The following are exerpts of a very candid conversation I recently had with a fellow blogger. We both thought it would be amusing to post it, just to see if anyone would react, or not. If you are offended by candid speak of sex and other life topics, move on to the next blog. If you are interested in what we had to say, scroll down...

Malka: u there?
Harvey: big time, how is you?
Malka: me is good.. :)
Malka: how's Timbucktoo?
Harvey: been on the net the last 6 hours I guess its one of the privileges of being on holiday
Malka: wow! You're really givin'er
Harvey: so far so good, have managed to be down and now I am up again malka: I was worried sick all day
Malka: Yakov was flying here from home and I wasn't sure if he was going thru London or Paris...
Malka: ends up I was right, he was in London, getting MARRIED in civil ceremony as xxxxxx station was being blown to shit
Harvey: and have u heard all is ok
Malka: yes, I was with him briefly tonight; I picked him up at airport and brought him home
Malka: he wore his black hat... first time I see it on him... made me weak in the knees
Malka: but I resisted
Harvey: is this the first time u see him since he got engaged?
Malka: yes
Harvey: velvet one?
Malka: yes
Harvey: wow, so was he happy to see you?
Malka: yeah, it was mutual... we're still great friends, oddly enough... I'm way too nice to him though... he's going to be storing all his stuff at my home
Malka: I made sure his belongings were moved out of his apartment
Harvey: does his wife know about you?
Malka: I packed everything that was left behind
Harvey: wow u sure are being v nice
Malka: I have NO idea if she knows about me.. When we decided this , he asked me what I thought he should say to her and I said he should say whatever, the truth or if a lie, to make it a believable one (he's a bad bad liar) and not to give too many details if he didn't want to have to answer difficult questions
Malka: I haven't asked him whether he's said anything or not
Harvey: is this the first time you have moved over to a platonic friendship, and how does it feel?Malka: Not the first time - I have always had more male friends than female.. but, the difference this time is that I am maintaining a deep friendship with someone that I love very much - the focus of that love has changed - whereas before I desired him, I wanted to be with him, I now feel more like he is my best friend, I still love him but it's different.. honestly, when I was driving to pick him up, i started having second thoughts
Malka: I wasn't sure if going to pick him up and us being together, even for a bit, was a good idea.. but it was too late to back out since he was waiting for me... So I pulled up, he came out, mmm he looked good but I tried to avoid looking too long at him
Malka: while I was driving, I accidentally touched his thigh and it was weird to feel him shy away from my touch when he used to grab my hand and put it elsewhere ;) while he drove.. lol
Harvey: but I thought the highest level of male female friendship is when it gets expressed physically, so does that not mean something is missing and when something is missing in a friendship we try to get it?
Malka: hmmm, tough question.. lemme see
Harvey: sorry if my questions sound primitive but I come from a world of strict segregation so I am confused about all this
Malka: yes, the highest expression of love a man and a woman can express towards one another is the meshing of their flesh into one
Malka: However, for the meshing to happen as G-d willed it, there has got to be deep trust and friendship...
Malka: Yakov and I have been thru the whole sex thing and I know that for the rest of his life I will always remain in his thoughts if only for that
Malka: lol
Harvey: I am very a very non-physical kind of person with my male friends I do not think its because I am confused sexually I think its more because of emotional confusion
Malka: that being said, he forced me to develop the other aspects of our relationship when he pitched his "let's embark on a path to self-discipline" shtik and we stopped having sex.... (we had some adventures...)
Malka: I think it's normal for hetero men not to be "affectionate" toward one another
Harvey: so is the only stopping to bedding male and female friend a god issue, is platonic a con of the 21st century
Malka: hold on.. brb and I will answer that or try to
Harvey: well being a well endowed man I have plenty to hold on to
Harvey: true but when I see my male friends hugging some times I get this envious pang
Malka: first I don't think the only thing stopping male and female friends from bedding one another is a question of g-d, rather I think that when a man and a woman are able to move past the animal instinct to copulate we are all imparted with, then there is room to develop true friendship based on common values, intellectual pursuit and a pure love unencumbered by the burden of physical desire.. It's almost like having intense sex but it happens on a complete other plane
Malka: am I making any sense or am I on crack? LOL
Harvey: I find the drawing the line between deep emotional but notphysical a difficult one to understand
Harvey: u are spot on girl Harvey: I find that I view females according to there beddable value Harvey: and I know its wrong as they have value as individuals and not according to how desirable they are to me
Malka: I agree that the fine line between deep emotional love and physical love isn't very clear or easy to assimilate but if I could explain it, I'd say that I am still attracted to Yakov but I know that I cannot be with him physically. That being said, I know that were we to break down and touch one another, it would be electric. I actually had this dream last week where we walked into his apartment and we stared at the emptiness of it all. And then I asked if he remembered what we'd done there... so we turned to one another and he just embraced me and I held him like I did a thousand times over.. then we started to kiss and, next thing I knew, I was on the floor, skirt around my waist and he was making love to me like a hungry beast...
Malka: I now feel the sexual tension that I was oblivious to before
Malka: what do you mean when you say you view females according to their beddable value?Harvey: that with males I can feel I can value them as individual although maybe if they are money loaded it will increase their value a bit not aren't we all like that some what, but when it comes to females I only seem to put a value according to how attracted I am to them
Harvey: so if I understand correctly you would love to bed him but circumstances are stopping that
Harvey: do you have strong male friendships where the choice is there and by choose you don't bed them
Harvey: sorry hope I am not boring you with my confutions!?
Malka: I think that your "man\woman gage" is a result of how you were socialized as a child - not that you were programmed wrong, but rather that as a result of being raised in a closed environment where men and women have different importance and status, you can't help but see them that way
Harvey: maybe I see that woman have a purpose and if there is no benefit for me of that purpose that there value is reduced in my eyes
Malka: well, not quite "love to bed him" - let's put it this way - if he called me now and said it"s over with English Rose, it"s you that I want - hurry up and convert so we can get married.. I"d drop everything and do just that. However, he's NEVER going to say or do that because he's after someone with good yichus (I hope I'm using it right) who will help him regain status.. I, as a convert, am not good enough. I will never touch him or make an advance toward him but if he made a move on me, I'm not sure I could resist... Though, out of love for him I would push him away
Malka: I do have strong male friendships where there is absolutely NO desire to sleep with them... We even talk about sex and we have joked about being together but then we all quickly agree that it would never work because we know each others' tricks too well
Harvey: so how can you still bring yourself to be friendly with him (I mean this question in a nice innocent way)
Harvey: so why not just for the bodily pleasure of it?
Malka: How can Yakov and I still be friends? Simple - intellectually, we are equals so there is an attraction there, but mostly because I love him enough to let him go - I am willing to put his happiness before mine because if he is happy I am happy and if what makes him happy is being with her, then so be it
Malka: I am able to resist the lure of physical pleasure with him thru a lot of masturbation and fantasy LOL
Malka: see, the strength of Yakov and I is that we were able to move past the physical - and trust me, the physical was STRONG between us.. Our first week together was filled with sleepless nights.. On day 2 I broke out with a really bad rash all over my chin because of his beard and too much face sucking
Harvey: but would u say that if you would have never been to bed with Y you could still have such strong friendship feelings with out them being sexual?
Harvey: LOL I hope he creamed your chain well for that!!!!!
Malka: yes, I believe that Y and I would still be the same type of friends - it was almost a month before we slept together and it's been a damn long while since we last slept together, the last time we fooled around was in March when he left to start dating English Rose
Malka: aww he took good care of me, always... Treated me like a queen.. still does
Harvey: I might have asked this last time but how old are you?
Malka: I'm 31malka: you make me wanna la la... lol
malka: ashley simpson ;)
Harvey: lol, a bit of advice from experience you should deal with that rage. do u think your converting has something to do with that all?
Harvey: kind of wanting to brack away from your past?
Malka: I do think that converting has a lot to do with it -- I am seeking a new relationship with G-d, one based on actions and not just blind belief, a safe place with tradition, strong family values, morals, discipline, strength, morality
Harvey: maybe although I think that comes from within and not form external sources
Malka: of course the rage is internal... I think me wanting to convert is my attempt at chanelling that rage into something beautiful and positive
Harvey: a bit of a risky channling if you find out to late it did not work. have u ever been to therapy?
Malka: therapy? ahahah I could sell "therapy gone wild" tapes LOL
Harvey: wow that much of it and did u find it helped?
Malka: have you been to therapy?Malka: lol no, not that much of it.. but yes, I have had therapy which helped and now I know that all the answers are inside me, I just have to be intune to ME
Harvey: I have been going the last year and a helf and I found it helped a lot even though it is real tough some times. before I went I had never talked about my mom
Malka: of course it's tough.. it's like being naked in a picture window no?
Harvey: true but tuning in is not all that easy
Malka: I never used to talk about my dad either, nor would I ever have expressed any feelings be it love, anger, hurt.. I kept it all in
Malka: still have trouble accepting help from others, asking for help or admitting weakness
Harvey: some times and the fear of internel change I found real scary kind of hanging of a cliff end
Malka: I often project this "I don't need anyone" image while deep down I sometimes feel I am the neediest person out there and no one is seeing me
Malka: I can't believe I'm telling you these things - some of this I've never even told Yakov Harvey: I could have written thous words just as much as being the one reading them!!!!
Malka: indeed the fear of internal change is a huge oneHarvey: I not like to take and I don't like to give, not sure what one is a result of what one. Malka: I give give give all the time
Harvey: I find many aspects of me are the total opposite of what I truly desire
malka: total contradiction Malka: lolHarvey: well I guess thats the safty of the net sometimes
Malka: yes, isn't it funny how via this thing called the internet, people like us have crossed paths
Malka: in real time, our worlds would never have collided
Harvey: in some aspects I give but not in very many, I feel like I would like to be a island with no connection
Harvey: true as thay say all this communacting tools have made far pepole close but closer pepole far
Malka: I love being alone but I seem to be a magnet for the needy.. and honestly, as much as I like my solitude, people are always wanting to be with me because I"m generous, I'm funny, I'm this or that for them
Malka: mmmm indeed, internet has its good and bad aspects
Harvey: well amongst my friends I am known as the shrink for whenever thay need counselling, I guess all the years I have found it easyer to deal with outhers issue insted of my own
Malka: I'm the fixer... When people around me want to know something, need a solution, mediation, help, floors washed, dishes done, apartments moved, kid babysat, job found, career counselling, they come to me
Malka: ahahaha you are ME with a penis....must be why I like you so muchmalka: ;)
Harvey: I enjoy being alone but some times I wounder if its not just my way of reasuring my self that I need nobody
malka: good point. and question.. I'll have to think about that one
Harvey: maybe you should joien a nice jewish family like the Fokkers and become a sex therapist!!!! you can help people and enjoy it the same time!!
Malka: when Y and I saw that movie, I told him that I'd obviously missed my calling LOL
Malka: I could become a non-denominationa rabbitzinmalka: lol I purposely mispelled that
Harvey: : girl u make me laugh
Malka: why's that
Harvey: I guess mind soul and body interchange
malka: sure they do - all connected - one is the vessel for the other
Malka: it just dawned on me... When we started this chat, I was going to ask you if you were ok with me posting it (with our handles changed) because I liked the candour of our exchange... but now.. LOL that's gone
Harvey: aren't you scared that once you convert all the fun will be gone, no vibrater on shabbes!!!
Malka: ok..... I'm bad... omg but that's why I'll have a hubby - he can put his tongue to work AND it's a mitzvah
Harvey: not sure I think the end might excite some of the readers more!!!
Malka: LOL indeed it would.. maybe I should post it all and see what kind of comments we get
Malka: but I think we'd get alot of flack
Harvey: well thats even tufer 2 weeks on 2 weeks off, I guess now u understand why the frummies have large familes!!!Malka: heheh indeed... I could see myself with a bunch of kids
Harvey: xxxxx is a smalll place, so I would have to cut out some personal revealing bits
Malka: I was going to "correct" all the spelling mistakes that could identify as well as a few of our more personal exchanges
Malka: I thought of removing all the Y posts but then there wouldn't be much of a blog left
Harvey: don't agree with that one, u might love the man but there is way more to your posts then him
Malka: awww thanks... I'm glad I saw him tonight tho.. it helped confirm that I am ok with us like this, that I am over him!
Malka: it was nice to see him and know that he was safe and not hurt in London..
Malka: I laughed when he quickly mentionned how he married her this morning
Malka: I think once I convert, I would like to have my own TV show... "In Bed with Dr. Malka... I could be the modern day Dr. Ruth
Harvey: LOL, u will have to master the accennt
Harvey: a cathlic girl gone jewish gone bad!!
Malka: LOL would make for some great tv
Malka: I would have guests on "In Bed"... could have Kosher sex with Shmuley Boteach
Harvey: well u will be better off audience wise if you go non- kosher
Malka: heheheh yeah, I think it would be a closed setmalka: the world ain't ready for Dr.Malka.... can u imagine doing a show on kosher sex toys....big 13 inch dildo with an O.K. or Cholov Yisroel Glatt Kosher Dildo
Harvey: LOL, or a pee-p show with a mezizh on it!!!
Malka: I was tellign someone I email that Yeshivas should produce a Yeshiva Bachur calendar... I'd buy it...
Harvey: I guess you could make a double-sided dildo with a machetz in the middile!!!
Malka: LOL at doublesided dildo with mechitza
Malka: this whole last bit of chat is sooooooooooo not going on blogmalka: lmao
Harvey: LOL, looks like you relly are in to this yeshvh boy fantasy!!!! I guess thay do present the ultmite of unsofistcated love
Malka: indeed.. nah, I'm just a dirty pervert who likes young flesh... maybe it satisfies my mommy instincts
Harvey: young inncent flash!!!Malka: mmmhmm
Harvey: well lucky who ever is the object/subject of you provertion
Harvey: wow where whre u in my innocint yashevh days!!
Malka: when were u in yeshivaHarvey: israel late 80's so u where still under age for me
Malka: late 80's..... I was 15ish and very virginal then... didn't lose it til I was 21
Harvey: 21!! wow, well when I marryed my wife it was legal for her to marry but not for her to have sex!!!
Malka: can u imagine... sometimes I think I've been too wild to become any kind of orthodox jewess
Harvey: WOW now that is somthing. u becuming orthdox!!
Malka: well I am converting with an Orthodox rabbi
Malka: it's ortho or nothin' tho I think I will end up MO
Harvey: I see where u are coming from on that one. MO is still nice and frum
Malka: yeah.. but with a little room for my wild child
Malka: I can't imagine going Reform.... I have a hard time imagining women wearing tallis, kippah, teffilin
Malka: I should get my not-so-tzinius-hormone-driven-converting- to- judaism -catholic- girl -who- has- to- work- in the morning butt to bed
Harvey: sure do, it was super nice and stimulating talking to you Malka: heheheh I had a lot of fun talking with you too...
Malka: and no worries - I will heavily edit but I want to keep the "essence" of our candour

Friendship

2005-07-11T13:29:00.000-04:00

The comments on my last post have caused me to reflect on friendship and the meaning of being a friend. Here's my take on friendship and being someone's friend, be they male or female.. Friendship is the bigger statement. Lots of people are lovers but aren't friends. Lots of people are relatives and aren't friends. Lots of people work together who aren't friends. You can appreciate or admire someone, but that doesn't make them a friend. IMHO, friendship is an in-depth relationship combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy, and intimacy. Aspects of life that all of us crave. There needn't be a reason.

We're relatively casual about the word, but sometimes things happen that take the casualness out of it. A friend accepts you as you are, believes in "you", calls you just to say "HI", doesn't give up on you, envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts), forgives your mistakes, gives unconditionally, helps you, inspires you to be the best you can be, is just happy to be with you, keeps you close at heart, loves you for who you are, makes a difference in your life, never judges, offers support, picks you up, quiets your fears, raises your spirits, says nice things about you, tells you the truth when you need to hear it, understands you, values you, walks beside you, explains things you don't understand,yells when you won't listen and zaps you back to reality.

Being a friend to someone is seeing them through the ups and downs, the problems, the triumphs, the good, the bad and the ugly, the fun, the vicissitudes...Friendship is a safe place built on mutual understanding and trust. You should be lucky enough to have at least one friend in your life who knows everything there is to know about you and still puts up with your shticks and rants.. Friends relate to one another. Being a friend means that you are able to meet the other person's needs at that time and that you are willing to put your needs aside to be there for them. One must be a friend to have one.

Most people use the term Friend far too casually. But if they had reason to pause, to think if so and so is really a friend, they would realize they either don't know (the relationship hasn't been tested), or they are not. There is no easy way to describe my friendship with Yakov. It defies reason. I guess there's something remarkable in two people overcoming the barriers to friendship that religion, culture and gender roles impose, to find some real communication at some point. Just to connect, for just a few moments, is rare, exceptionally rare.

Lillian Rubin in her book Just Friends says, "Thus generally it's true that friends accept each other so long as they both remain essentially the same as they were when they met, or change in similar directions. If they change or grow in different or incompatible ways, the friendship most likely will be lost." Regardless of why, when, or how friendships end, there is always some pain of loss to assimilate. When nothing can be done to mend the friendship, it is important to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships.

Carole King's song, "You've Got A Friend" promises "Winter, spring, summer, or fall--all you've got to do is call--and I'll be there." Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever. It may very well be that my friendship with Yakov will one day come to an end - and that is ok.

What I've been up to..

2005-07-04T14:42:00.000-04:00

Okay, seems like ages since I've posted anything of relevance on here. I have to admit that since Yakov's engagement, my blogging activity has slowed down considerably. Actually, for a while everything with me was a little numb and I kept myself really busy with work.

I am ok with Yakov being engaged and we've actually spoken quite a few times since then and there were no tears, no harsh words so, "and after all the obstacles It's good to see [him] now with someone else And it's such a miracle that [he] and [I] are still good friends After all that we've been throughI know we're cool I know we're cool" as Gwen Stefani would say.. LOL Seriously, I think that Yakov and I will always be the best of friends - we have a bond that will endure. I know that many of you suggested I leave Yakov alone. I have. I have not initiated any of the contact and I have completely stopped emailing him. We have been in irregular communication only because I am helping him "tie up" some loose ends here. That being said, all I have to say is that I'm glad we're in a good place and I wish him only the best for the future - he deserves it. I still have deep feelings for him but they are more of the sort one feels for a very good friend, someone you would consider to be a blood relative - I guess he's the brother I never had but always wanted...

Conversion.. Aaaah! Wish I could report some stellar progress there but the books are currently collecting dust bunnies under my bed! For a while I was pondering and reconsidering things. I was beginning to think that maybe I was a little (alot) insane for undertaking this and that perhaps I should just quit while I'm ahead. I really thought that maybe I was in over my head, that there was seriously NO WAY I could do this and pull it off. Honestly, there are days when I think about it all and just shake my head in disbelief.. but then I have these moments where everything is so clear and where I find myself in such a state of peace that I know I am doing the right thing. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not nervous or anxious about things - I am.. I worry all the time about being accepted, about being a good Jewess, about finding a nice Jewish guy who will have me, about having kids and raising them in this crazy world we live in, I worry about all of these things and more! Yet, my desire to renew my relationship with G-d, my thirst for knowledge, wisdom, goodness, righteousness, discipline and morality all bring me back to this. As close as I was to falling off the derech, I now resolve to focus more attention to completing my assignments in a reasonable timeframe.

So how did I almost throw everything away and screw up all my hard work? Well, I almost went back to my old ways. You know, the "I'm here for a good time, not a long time" deal... I think that I was partly reacting to Yakov's engagement, partly reconfirming my own sex appeal and also just craving attention and affection. I think I've got a handle on it now and I will take measures to curb those types of urges.. LOL

As I previously mentionned, I have been exchanging emails with a sweet young man for whom I have a lot of affection. He makes me laugh and we are learning things from one another all the time. There is no potential for anything there but a nice, wonderful friendship. If I could have a brother, I'd want him to be just like you! (You know who you are!!).

Scary stuff...

2005-06-23T15:49:00.000-04:00

I thought the Middle Ages were long over... I came across this article in the Toronto Star and am posting the link because I was just blown away by the story... a 29 year old priest performing an exorcism on a 23 year old nun... These kinds of things still happen behind closed doors... Some are even sanctionned by the Vatican! No wonder I am converting!

I am Canadian

2005-06-23T14:36:00.000-04:00

I was all set to make a comment on this but, rather, I decided to post my reaction to "CANADA IS BORING" here:
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I am not an American." "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

Disclaimer: I did not write this or any part contained therein. I also happen to have many American friends who do not fall within the prototype American described below.

I AM CANADIAN

(clears Throat) (the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)
Hey...I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,

AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!

THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

I AM ITALIAN

Ciao...

I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.

I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM PAKISTANI
Allo,I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.

I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!

Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!

I AM CHINESE!

Wai...

I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.

I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog.

I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddington Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and finally........

I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...

I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

Oops I Did It Again..

2005-06-22T12:45:00.000-04:00

I think I did it again
I made you believe we're more than just friends
Oh baby It might seem like a crush
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious
'Cause to lose all my senses
That is just so typically me
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby Oops!...
You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent

I've been exchanging emails with someone for the past while now. This email is in reaction to a letter he wrote me today. I just want to make a few things clear!

First, you shouldn't love me - I am not for you and you know that! I know that!

Second, I never asked you for anything, least of all for your help! You can keep your "can you begin to tell me why I should help you?" question and shove it where the sun don't shine.

I'm glad you felt mean writing what you did - you WERE MEAN! I am very real and, in case you didn't know, gentiles, or goyim as you probably call us, HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

Is our comunication going to make us love one another? Um, my answer to that would be a LOUD, RESOUNDING NO! Will you feel love towards me if you ever see me? Never going to happen!

Whatever connection we may have had is gone now.

Like I wrote in my reply to you, I don't need you or anyone but my Rabbi to learn. If I wanted an "on-line tutorial" in Judaism, there are plenty of qualified people I could ask - why would I task a penpal with that? Silly, no?

I know I said I'd never blog about our exchange of letters but your ignorant comments this morning infuriated me so much that I feel I have no choice - I need to get rid of these feelings of annoyance and disappointment.

For the record, I am indeed someone who wants to learn and I will continue doing so. I do believe in G-d and am not put off by "613 hard laws" as you put it. Bring it on! I am committed to converting and becoming an observant Jew - there would otherwise be no point! Why would anyone in their right mind put themselves through what I am doing if not to be observant? I fully realize and accept that my becoming Jewish means that there may be things that I currently enjoy that I will have to give up. My love of Torah and Judaism is greater than those things! In answer to your question as to whether or not I am selfish, I can proudly and loudly say no, I am not selfish. I am kind and generous with all people. I think I've said enough here!

Status Report... of sorts

2005-06-16T14:37:00.000-04:00

Wow, seems like forever since I last blogged. Things have been crazy at work over the past few weeks and I've barely begun catching my breath. I cancelled my trip to the Carribean to interview for a potential promotion, I've barely read anything for my conversion homework, but I do plan on taking some time off next week and finishing that so I can move on to the next series of books in the Rabbi's required reading list. He must think he scared me away with the books or that I have simply just dropped off the face of the earth! lol

Gotta get back to work now but will update again tomorrow.

One bad night!

2005-06-16T14:36:00.000-04:00

This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser. He asks her who the picture is of and she replies, "Don't worry about it." He then says, "Well is that your husband?" She says that it is not. "Well, is that your boyfriend?" Again she says no. The guy then says, "Well then, who the hell is it?" She replies, "It was me before my operation."

2005-06-09T10:40:00.001-04:00

and again..

Crack in my windshield..

2005-06-09T10:40:00.000-04:00

I received this in my work email account and, though quite inappropriate, I couldn't help but share it with everyone ;-)

I was driving along the highway at 100 kilometers per hour (speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere, I getta crack in my windshield. I swivled right, then left and it was still right there !!!

For Lost Spirit ;-)

2005-06-07T18:30:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I meant to blog today but it just didn't happen. I was all set but things kept coming about and, next thing I knew, it was time to go home. I wish I had something titillating to blog about but I don't! Even though I haven't been blogging, I have been visiting all of my favourite blogs on an almost regular frequency. I have discovered new blogs to read and often find myself captivated, not to mention very amused by some of what I am reading.

I've been crazy busy with work, have been away from home for the past 3 week-ends in a row and am just now catching my breath (somewhat) before the end of the "season" in terms of where I work. Am planning a nice holiday with the girls to celebrate the end of it all!

I went out on a date Saturday night - and yes, I am proud to report, nothing happened, not even a hand shake! Have to admit it was totally weird being out with someone other than Yakov! I guess it didn't help that we went to THE PLACE Yakov and I went to on our first date but, in the end, it was all good.

Am still reading for my conversion and am planning a post on that soon. Have been pondering the concept of religious jews who are unethical (sadly I could name a few) and secular folks who are ethical and judaism's place/role in all of that.

I've also been dealing with alot of "well, now that Yakov is gone and out of your life, there is no longer a need to convert" questions and issues. You'd think that people would get it by now - my converting has NOTHING to do with Yakov - never did, never will! Even today at lunch, my colleague said "we need to work on finding you a nice boyfriend to keep your mind off this Jewish stuff".. Huh? Keep my mind off the Jewish stuff? It's that very "stuff" that has enabled me to keep it together these last few months. Seriously.

My sister was driving me to work the other day and, inevitably, she brought up the whole Yakov situation. She was quick to add that she was very impressed by how I had handled things, but more importantly, how I had handled myself. She said she couldn't believe how strong I'd become. I've always been strong - I'm the one everyone goes to when "things go bust" and they need help. However, when things go bad for me personally, I tend to keep it to myself. I have a hard time asking for help or telling people that I'm not doing so good sometimes. Anyway, where before I would have cried and cried and just felt destroyed over the loss of Yakov, I have been able to see the positive side of things; that he and I were not meant to be together.. I learnt many things from him and I regret nothing that happened between us. Not for one minute. Everyday I am gaining new strength, thanks to the "Jewish stuff".

Ramblings...

2005-06-02T09:38:00.000-04:00

I've got a lot of things I would like to blog about but just haven't had the time! I will soon update.

How To Shower...

2005-06-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according tolights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath thewhole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy it her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE!!!!!!

Words To Live By...

2005-06-02T09:27:00.000-04:00

I was waiting to make a purchase in a store recently when I overheard this: "Be careful what toes you step on because they may be connected to the ass you're going to have to kiss later".

Mountain Out of My Way

2005-05-31T09:58:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've been running around in circles for the past while. I have a hard time concentrating and focusing on anything, whether it be conversations, job, reading, etc. All I seem to want to do is sleep! I have been stressed lately, what with the whole Yakov drama and stuff going on in personal life and work but I know that I'm otherwise ok - ie no depression.

Between work, my personal life, family life and converting, there isn't much else. Rather, I haven't been making time for much else and, quite honestly, have probably not been working as hard at the conversion homework as I should. I read, but then I get distracted or just plain fall asleep. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have ADD.. maybe some Ritalin would help me focus... Hmm...

A new month begins tomorrow (well, in the secular calendar anyway) and I am thinking that it's time to set some goals. That being said, during the month of June I want to accomplish the following:

1. Finish all currently assigned conversion readings
2. Meet with Rabbi at earliest convenience to discuss and set-up formal lessons with teacher
3. Stop thinking of Yakov and worrying about him
4. Learn every day

I need to become more focused and serious - not that I'm not now but that needs to be the mindset if I am to succeed in this.

A Woman Scorned....

2005-05-31T09:44:00.000-04:00

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .... I slept with your sister,.... your best friend, .....her best friend, and .... your mother!" "I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

30 Things Stressed Women May Say At Work

2005-05-30T14:26:00.000-04:00

Don't you just love those chain emails?

1 . Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service! I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder . my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit?

RAK.. part deux

2005-05-26T10:17:00.000-04:00

This random act of kindness tag is a good thing. That being said, one of the people I tagged has asked to be "untagged" so I will instead to 10 raks to make up for his 5.

1. Agreed to untag blogfriend and perform twice the amount of rak in his place
2. Let this old lady cut in front of me at café next to work even though I was there first
3. Offered some of my prepaid tanning sessions to a friend in need
4. Made breakfast for my niece this morning before sending her off to school
5. Drove sister to work today so she could attend her function tonight and not worry about car
6. Held neighbour's grocery bags while she fumbled to find keys in her purse
7. Washed brother-in-law's work clothes
8. Carried groceries in for a friend and even put them away
9. Wrote cover letters for an acquaintance looking for a job
10. Complimented my old assistant this morning even though I can't really stand her!

My RAK

2005-05-25T21:02:00.000-04:00

no, no, has nothing to do with my boobs! I'm talking about my Random Acts of Kindness (aka RAK). This originated on Yiddishe Mamme's blog and is slowly making its way around... Thanks to Lost Spirit I have now been tagged.. So here goes:

1. Took really long time at grocery store tonight and knew Mom would be annoyed so I bought her some of her favourite treats to appease her.

2. I took time out of my heavy workload to correct a letter for a co-worker.

3. I hooked up Yakov's friend with an interview where I work.

4. I returned the grocery cart to its place rather than leaving it next to parking spot.

5. Gave my sister money for coffee because she always treats everyone else.

There, that wasn't so bad... Now, this shouldn't stop with me so I am tagging the following people:

TRK
Kiki
Chai

Game on bloggers!

Men...

2005-05-25T20:41:00.000-04:00

Men:

1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like .... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .... Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ..... Blenders .. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .. . Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ..... Department Stores .. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .... Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like . Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ..... Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like . Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

I Will Survive...Thanks Dawn!

2005-05-25T12:09:00.000-04:00

Sing along to the tune of "I will survive"

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches,
Lord, I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
and I knew that I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big Mac
and you've bought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit,
just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in
those jeans!

Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches,
then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count???!

(Chorus)
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life is gonna
thrive!
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . .
Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos
and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless
multispeed!

(Chorus)

With A Little Help From My Friends...

2005-05-24T23:12:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to take a few minutes and thank all of you (Kiki, Chai, TRK, LS, my girls from work...) who have, over the past few days, sent emails and posts on my blog to let me know that you are thinking of me! I truly appreciate the gesture - it really did make me smile when I felt there was nothing worth smiling for. I'm not over Yakov completely but with each day I will move further away. Thank you all for your kindness, your caring and your words of inspiration.

Now let the games begin! (And yes, that can mean just about anything [within reason of course, bearing in mind that I am converting and leaving my bad girl ways] - suggestions anyone?)

Came across this on Kiki's blog and was amused... Many Adults Like Kissing Ass.. I toned it down a little but had many other possible meanings for M A L K A... LOL.

Eyes Wide Open

2005-05-23T00:06:00.000-04:00

The past few days have been emotional to say the least. Thank you to everyone who took the time to send some kind words my way - your messages really warmed my heart and made me see that there was a silver lining to my big dark grey cloud.

I have resolved to banish the sadness and focus on what matters. Why dwell on what could have been and cry over something that is a done deal? He's not crying, he's out there celebrating so that's exactly what I will do also. I will toast to him tonight but mostly, I will toast to ME! To me moving on.

My eyes are wide open

Email to Yakov

2005-05-22T16:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Yakov,

Thank you for the nice email - it brought tears to my eyes, really. Actually, I wept when I saw the announcement on the website. It's weird how, when we were on the phone together as you were leaving, I was able to keep it together and be strong though a few times, not sure if you noticed, I was a bit emotional. However, seeing that announcement kind of threw me over the edge and I had a good cry. Remember back in November, how I cried while you held me, well, it was kind of like that only you weren't there. Tears are coming down even now as I write this. Please don't feel bad - I don't; it's just residual emotions I am feeling right now. I guess I didn't realize til that very moment just how much you meant to me, that as much as I denied it to you and to myself, deep down I loved you and probably would have done almost anything for you to love me back but that wasn't part of the plan, was it?!That being said, I am genuinely happy for you and I hope she knows how special you are and that she appreciates you and loves you the way you need and deserve to be loved. I was quite sincere in my wishes and blessings for you. Yeah, I am a quick learner and I'm only realizing now that you taught me so much without ever really telling me you were teaching me things. Yichud, shomer negiah...to name but a few thatI now realize you were "instilling" in me. Thank you also for your nice blessings for me - You will always hold a special place in my heart because it's thanks to you that I have found my way again; I have embarked on this incredible journey to which you just came along and pointed the way sortof! Thank you for being you and for coming in my life when you did - THAT was obviously part of G-d's plan! LOL I will for sure keep in touch with you and will nodoubt email you with questions as they come about.I am still available to review your stuff anytime you know. I hope that, despite the distance that will separate us, we will never be strangers -that would make me really sad. Yes, I am still expecting you to sing at my wedding! Everyone will wonder how the convert managed to "find" herself a world-famous cantor/rabbi to do this for her ;-) My future mother-in-law will be impressed, no?!??

Malka

Email from Yakov

2005-05-22T15:56:00.000-04:00

Dear Malka,

I am sorry about you finding it from a website, I did not even know about it. I just saw the annoucement last night. We had decided to wait until today sunday to annouce to everyone, a friend of English Rose who heard it from one of her family members put it on the web site, many of our friends will be upset that we have not tell them before they saw it on that website, we did not have time to annouce to anybody as everything happened thursday night. That being said, I debated on Thursday whether I should call you and tell you the news after I had called my parents or not, I was not sure what was the right thing to do. Today I will start letting people know.

Thank you very very much for your kind wishes and your beautiful words of blessing, it means a lot to me, and it impresses me... wow... you really are a quick learner... im just teasing, I always knew you were. Thank you again and again, and since you know so much, you probably know also that a Chosson (groom) has a special power to bless people, so I want to bless you with all the amazing things you are planning for yourself in the near future. Everything should come to you in a smooth and easy way, and you should be happy and satisfied with the path you choose for your new lifestyle, I only have admiration about your perseverance and will power to accomplish that and your many other wonderful projects.

Feel free to email me anytime, if you have some kind of questions about anything, and if you think I can help, don't be a stranger :-), I will keep to what I said about being in touch and about singing at your wedding :-) Please use xxxx as an email address from now on.

Regards to your family, all the very best,
Yakov

No More.. I Promise

2005-05-20T12:21:00.000-04:00

I, Malka, promise not to post anymore sappy lyrics from this point on. really. I do! I will not let this get me down, I will not let this impede my progress. I will not lose sight of my goal. Mind over matter - I can do this!

Feeling Delicate

2005-05-20T12:17:00.000-04:00

I am blessed to have some wonderful friends out there who genuinely care about me - Thank you for trying to cheer me up and for understanding that right now I am just, well, delicate.

delicate
we might kiss when we are alone
when nobody’s watchin’we might take it home
we might make outwhen nobody's there
it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate

so why d’ya fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
why d’ya sing hallelujah
if it means nothin’ to ya why d’ya sing with me at all?

we might live like never before
when there's nothin’ to give how can we ask for more?
we might make love in some sacred place
that look on your faceis delicate
so why d’ya fill my sorrow with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
why d’ya sing hallelujahif it means nothin’ to ya

why d’ya sing with me at all?

Don't Quite Know What I Should Feel

2005-05-20T11:55:00.000-04:00

I am not taking Yakov's good news as well as I thought I would. Actually, I've been sitting here in tears for the past half hour. Why the hell am I crying? He made his choice. I should be thinking happy thoughts and wishing him all the best but instead I feel like someone sucker-punched me and all I want to do is vomit.
-----------------------------------------------------
cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on
there’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i can’t say what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

"La La La" tha Fat Lady has Sung

2005-05-20T11:21:00.000-04:00

Well boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, it's official: Yakov and the English Rose are engaged to be married!

Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy

2005-05-19T16:13:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's come over me but I am feelin' groovy today! It's been a quiet day and I had every intention of taking the afternoon off but, instead, I stayed and attacked almost 8 months worth of filing that I never got around to asking my assistant to do before she left for her new job. Oh well - at least now I know it was done right! Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy!

I spent most of the morning chatting with a certain someone about, well, things that are most inappropriate but always amusing! LOL My brain has been "in the gutter" a lot these days but, talking about s-e-x is better than going out and doing it no? Well, no, let's get this straight, having sex is always a good thing but, since I've decided to wait until marriage, all I can do is talk about it! I think I missed my calling in life - should have studied to become a sexologist - I think I would have been great at it though people would only come see me with problems of a sexual nature.. I once saw this documentary about a British sexologist who, as part of the therapy she offered, engaged in sexual intercourse with some of her patients as a method of healing. Um, yeah, that's a little too hands-on for me! Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy!

It's a beautiful day outside! Not that I have been out there much but at least it's not raining. I need to start getting stuff ready for the cottage, go grocery shopping, liquor store, laundry.... I plan on spending tomorrow sitting on the patio, sipping something cool and roasting in the sun while finishing up my assigned readings before my next meeting with the Rabbi. I decided that I should call him and book next appointment now so that having a "deadline" will force me to finish the readings. Ba da da da da da da, feelin' groovy!

Well, it's almost time to take my groovy self home! Whooo!

The Man has a heart?!?!

2005-05-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

A while back, I posted this. Needless to say, I never apologized! I don't believe in saying I'm sorry unless a) I am genuinely sorry and b) I did something wrong for which an apology is warranted. That being said, there have been a few awkward moments with The Man - or at least that's how it seemed in my mind.. Imagine my surprise this morning when I found the email I pasted below in my inbox...

-----Original Message-----
From: The Man
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2005 10:50 AM
To: Malka
Subject: thanks

Hi Malka. I just wanted to drop you a quick email to say thank you for the amazing assistance you provided this week in preparing the documentation for XXX Committee. This Wednesday’s meeting was particularly gruelling in terms of the sheer volume of materials and last minute agenda changes – particularly from XXX Secretariat, I might add! Your management of the process made for a much smoother meeting and a successful outcome. Thanks again.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I got home at 10 p.m. last night and I was just exhausted. Received funny sheitel magazine in the mail - a friend and former co-worker thought it would make me laugh.. which it did but I have to admit, there are some damn ugly wigs in there.. Ewwww and why do they all have female names? I'll have the Caroline in Ash blonde, the Suzy in auburn, the Katie in brown with 25% grey.. just creepy! She thought I was creepy for wanting a human hair sheitel! She said she would call me Malka Deadhead. Being that it's abundantly obvious when one is wearing a wig, wouldn't one want to at least wear a nice one that looks as natural as possible rather than wear some ugly hot synthetic plastic hair? What the hell do I know?!

Soooooo Tired

2005-05-18T09:40:00.000-04:00

I worked til 2 a.m. last night, got to bed it was 2:30 and was up and out of the house by 8 a.m. this morning. Did I mention I am exhausted? Did I also mention that I have to work til 9 p.m. tonight? My eyes are burning, can barely feel my knees, my hands are shaking (more caffeine or less?!?!) and I wish I was at home, snuggled comfortably under my duvet, sleeping the day away but I guess that will have to wait til tomorrow. On the bright side, I am taking Friday off, going to a friend's cottage for the week-end AND we have a civic holiday on Monday!! Yeeee!

International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day

2005-05-16T13:12:00.000-04:00

Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "Whoooo Hoooooo What A Ride!"

Have a wonderful day and share this with other Very Good Looking Damn Smart Women you know!

What I am reading...

2005-05-15T22:55:00.000-04:00

Have been on the same chapter for a week now - Can One Doubt G-d's Existence and Still Be a Good Jew?

Well, the simple answer is yes - one can be a good Jew and still doubt G-d's existence. I think it's only normal that at some point in our lives we doubt and wonder - it's natural. However, it is that very doubt and wonder that should fuel us to search for truths and answers. It is some of these very elemental questions for which my religion of birth couldn't provide answers to that have brought me to Judaism. I have never doubted G-d's existence but have wondered, often aloud, WHY? Why do we do this? What is that for? Why do I have to say that prayer? What does this mean for me? What do you mean when you say that G-d is punishing is for our sins? Isn't G-d supposed to be just and merciful? Why do I want to be eating the body of Christ (eucharist)? Who's Who? Who's the Boss - G-d, Jesus, the Holy Spirit? What are all these saints for?

If G-d doesn't exist, what then, is the purpose of life? If we were to be 100% sure about everything, we'd most likely be called fanatics and, well, we all know what that can lead to. Prager and Telushkin posit that "When one begins to appreciate fully the uniqueness of the monotheist ideal, its seemingly spontaneous generation in the minds of human beings at only one time among only one people, and the utterly unique impact of Judaism upon the world, one concludes that either superhuman beings or G-d was the initiator of Judaism and ethical monotheism. G-d seems more plausible".

G-d's existence can be affirmed without suspending reason or questionning. The beauty of Judaism is that this very reason and questionning is the ultimate source of affirmation that G-d does exist, that there is meaning to our lives. It is through living a Jewish life, even while struggling with our doubts, that one becomes a good Jew.

The Seasons of Yakov

2005-05-15T22:17:00.000-04:00

I was touched by this post and want to expand on it as it relates to my relationship with Yakov, and to a greater extent, to all of our relationships with the people we meet and who, for different reasons, become part of our lives whether it be for a day, a month, a season, a reason or a lifetime.

When I met Yakov, I didn't know what to expect but, one thing was sure - I was there for a good time, not a long time. That being said, I guess you could say that things backfired sort of. The last seven months with him have been comparable to a roller-coaster ride.

First there was the chemistry we had without ever having met. From day one we chatted as though we'd always known one another. Meeting for the first time was so secondary because we already knew there was a connection. The intense lust and attraction that we felt for one another was just further confirmed by that meeting. I guess that was our REASON for getting together - we were both horny individuals in search of some closeness and sex. As hot as our encounters were, I didn't stay with him for the sex because, in total honesty, it wasn't that great - he still had a lot of things to learn by my standards. He was, nonetheless, a good lover because of his innocence and his sweetness. Being held, pillow talk, his unsatiable appetite, his fascination with my body, his warmth, his openess, his candour, the kisses to wake me when I would start to snore...When we were together it was like the whole world just stopped and it was US. When I fell for him at first, I think I fell for his cute little yeshivish/black hat wearing ass but what I came to love and admire was the thirst for knowledge, the self-discipline, the assuredness, the strength of character, the wisdom, the immense sense of purpose... I could go on for days...

I have come to realize that the REASON Yakov was in my life for 2 SEASONS was to show me the light, to show me the way back to G-d.

It Ain't Over Til the Fat Lady Sings...

2005-05-15T17:19:00.000-04:00

Yakov is gone. I saw him briefly before his departure because he was giving me a lot of stuff he couldn't take with him. It's a good thing he went and opened the door because there was so much sexual tension in that little apartment that it seemed palpable. I could tell from the way he looked at me, but mostly what gave it away was in how he tried to avoid gazing at me or looking directly at me while speaking. I guess I didn't help the situation by showing up smelling sweet and looking good - I thought I'd give him a nice mental pic to remember me by.. LOL

He kept walking in circles the whole time I was there. I know we were both thinking the same thing - I kept having these little visions of throwing him to the floor, whipping that kippah off his head, tearing open his housecoat, pulling the tzitzit over his head and just doing it right then and there on the floor. G-d knows I wanted to and, honestly if he'd so much as touched me, he was going to get IT. LOL

While I was there, he asked if I thought things would work out with he and English Rose. Now why the hell would he ask that? Like I'd give him a straight answer! It doesn't look good to me but I wished him lots of brachas, simchas and bayis neeman beyisroel - not much else to say is there? Did he expect me to cry, kick scream and beg him not to go? Beg him to stay with me? Mmmm I think not! Just not my style. Besides, I don't play second fiddle to no one - I've always known I was meant to sit in the "first violin" chair. LOL (ok, if you aren't familiar with orchestra music you're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about here so let me put it in other terms - I'm a Queen Bee, not a drone and I deserve to be treated accordingly!).

He called me from the bus on his way to the airport and kept me on the phone for an hour and a half - til the phone connection started to get fuzzy. As for good-byes, our last conversation will go down in my personal record book as one being one of the weirdest I have ever had! We, well mostly HE, went on about the similarities between getting married and converting and how the chosson and kallah wonder if they are doing the right thing, if this person is the right one, will it last, will they be able to stick with it... for some odd reason, he was trying to relate my conversion with his getting married - though I'm not sure exactly what the point was.

There were a few moments where I was emotional and on the verge of tears but I was able to keep my composure. Thank G-d! Why is it so hard for me to accept thanks when I am kind to others, why do I become teary-eyed when someone I care for thanks me for doing something nice? Am I just an over-emotional weirdo?

He is not completely out of my life just yet but he will be soon enough. That's it, that's all - for all intents and purposes it is over, but it doesn't feel like it is. I wonder why?

A poem for girls... (not written by me)

2005-05-13T12:10:00.000-04:00

I shave my legs,I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles, at any cost.
And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
I never forget an important date.
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
Flowers are okay,But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.Get it?, you DICK!?!

Week-End Realization

2005-05-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

OK.. things are a little quiet at work this morning, thank G-d so I am going to make the most of it and update.

As I mentionned in a previous entry, I went out with my girls from work for a week-end of fun. I didn't really feel like going out to a bar, getting drunk and dancing and all that jazz but I went along because I figured it might be fun. Boy was I wrong! There were 7 of us going out together and we couldn't be more different. Two spent the night on the dance floor, two got really drunk and sucked face with these suspicious Russian guys we met at the bar, one spent the evening chatting up gross men and having them buy her drinks, the other decided to up and leave because she wasn't having a good time and that left me.

There I was, sitting next to the Russian guy who smelled of the same cologne as Yakov. Talk about torture! I spent a good part of the evening just watching people. Having worked in bars for many years, I naturally have a hard time loosening up because I'm always "on guard". Always watching in case anything happens. Anyway, here is what I realized: As much as some of my friends have tried convincing me that I like to party way too much to ever seriously thing of giving it up and become a Jew, one evening in that place made me see that I had changed and that that whole scene was just not me. The whole time I was there all I could think about was Shabbat, being at home, in my pj's, reading a book or talking with Yakov (we usually spent Friday evenings together talking til the wee hours - no, was not in pjs while @ Yakov's). Nothing like trying something to realize that it's no longer for you!

Bloggin' With The Boys...

2005-05-09T12:14:00.000-04:00

I was away for the week-end and learned some important lessons (that I will share later). I wish I had more time to blog but things have been, uh, a little NUTS at work these days and I've barely had a moment to breathe much less blog extensively. I've been swamped with work, Yakov drama and huge shopper's guilt. I had a little too much fun at the Benefit counter - when did I become such a girl? LOL Seriously, I don't ever recall owning so many cosmetics in my whole life! Who knew that this, this and this could put a smile on my face [in more ways than one]. OK, I won't list everything I ended up buying but I did have a lot of fun shopping! I looooove "retail therapy" (at least while the high lasts). In the bit of time I have actually spent online, aside from my late night chats when I am feeling night owlish, I have been catching up on some of your posts though I admit to being unusually quiet in that I haven't been commenting on anything these days. That being said, I hope to update you all very shortly on the final chapter in the Yakov saga and my ongoing journey into Judaism. LS, I wouldn't give up bloggin' with the boys for anything (thanks for thinking of me!).

M

On deciding to convert, pt. I

2005-05-05T22:05:00.000-04:00

My first flirt with Judaism was back in 2000. Following the death of someone very near and dear to me, I took a 2 week trip to Dominican Republic to "recharge my battery". While there, I met this lady with whom I struck up conversation. Like beer, the banter flowed quick and easy and we soon got on to personal topics such as religious beliefs. She was a convert. I was impressed by her story, but mostly by her strength of character and determination. Here was a woman who became a Jew and left her native country to live alone on this little tropical Island (Turks and Caicos) all by herself! Crazyness I thought to myself! Anyway, Jackie's story struck a chord with me -- I could identify with her lack of satisfaction with the beliefs system she was brought up in. I recall thinking about conversion after that trip and never followed-up on it because I let myself be "swept away" by life's events, trials and tribulations.

Fast Forward to present day

In the past year, I have come to realize that my life was out of control. I was having sex like it was going out of style, drinking, smoking, spending money foolishly, being wasteful, working way too much and just not feeling fulfilled. It's like I hit "spiritual puberty" and was suddenly experiencing these growing pains that I could no longer ignore. I tried to quash those thoughts by drowning myself with more work, more booze, more of everything in the hopes that it would go away but it didn't. At one point, I confided in a co-worker who happens to be a very spiritual, religious person, that I felt I was ready to renew my relationship with G-d, that I wanted to have G-d in my life again. The difference was that I felt ready to rejoin organized religion after having been away from that milieu for the better part of 15 years. I used to joke about only attending church for weddings and funerals and not needing any priest or intermediary to speak to G-d, that I had my very own direct line. Too bad I didn't dial-in very often. Being the good christian that she is, she quickly offered for me to attend her church but I already knew that I didn't want to go there. If christianity is what I wanted, I could just go back to the Catholic church but that just wasn't an option. I decided to just keep on thinking about these feelings/needs that I was suddenly experiencing, all the while hoping that the answer would come to me.

What was I seeking? Would I find it? What did I hope to gain? All these questions and so many more raced through my mind on an almost daily basis. At about the same time as all my introspection was going on, I met Yakov. I knew he was a Jew and that he was Orthodox and that was the extent of our "religion" talk. It really didn't matter at the time. I think something snapped in my mind when one night, we had a huge conversation during the course of which he made many admissions and confessions on a variety of topics. He explained that he had decided to embark on a path of self-control and greater discipline. A lot of what he said "hit home". He asked if I wanted to join him on this path. Little did I know at the time that this was his way of introducing me to being SN.

Time passed and I saw that what Yakov suggested was good; it was good for both of us really. To make a long story short (sorry LS - I will email you with more details if you like), I began to change, to think differently and to view things in a new perspective. I felt like I was gaining clarity, strength, focus to name but a few things. Even Yakov commented on the change. He said he sensed that I wanted to change and become a better person. And I did. And I do! I remember him asking me point blank if I was becoming Jewish. I was quick to answer that such a decision was a huge one and that I had no intention of converting though I was secretly already reading about it. I didn't know he was a Rabbi then but I did know he'd freak out when I finally shared my decision. He let it go at first but one of his qualities being perseverance, he kept at me until one night I finally broke down and fessed up to everything.

As expected, I got the "Jews are a persecuted people; do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? Are you crazy? You can't do this! What about your family? You're crazy" speech. I let him ramble on. He made me promise that before contacting any Rabbi I would explore all facets of judaism within our community - ie that I would visit a Reform shul, a Conservative and Orthodox one. He also made me promise not to go to his shul because it would just be too hard for him to see me sitting there. I never understood what he meant til I went there and saw for myself that, despite the mechitza, we would always be able to see one another which, admittedly would be distracting for both of us. I thought he had a lot of nerve [not to mention selfishness] in asking that of me but, forever wanting to protect him, I agreed not to go there.

To be continued

An Update for Lost Spirit - Kinda Sorta...

2005-05-05T16:15:00.000-04:00

It's been a week since my meeting with the Rabbi and I've barely read 200 pages of one of the 3 books he sent me home with. In my own defence though, I've been crazy busy with work, was hugely distracted by dénouement of whole Yakov saga and, perhaps spent too much time chatting with a new MSN buddy (you know who you are - LOL). That being said, I have a big week-end coming up. Am going away with some of the girls from work for a week-end of fun and I likely won't be reading while away though I do plan on attending shul for Shabbat if I can drag my a** out of bed (ok - that should translate to "if I'm not too hung over and reaking of alcohol I'll pull on a skirt and walk to the shul). Hopefully things will be quiet at work tomorrow and I'll be able to close the office door, put my feet up on desk and read (for a good part of the day, g-d willing!).

Anyhow, this book I am reading, Becoming A Jew by Maurice Lamm is very interesting. It begins with the story of 17 converts and how they came to Judaism. While I could identify with some of the reasons contained therein, I was left feeling like their stories were incomplete somehow. Am now into chapter about the types of converts - those who convert out of conviction, those who convert for the purpose of marriage... Have also started reading Dennis Prager & Joseph Telushkin's The Nine Questions People Ask About Judaism but am still on intro to first question.

I will post more on this later this evening.

I'll be fine

2005-05-04T01:39:00.000-04:00

some things in life may change
and some things they stay the same
like time
there's always time
on my mind
so pass me by
i'll be fine
just give me time

Here's What He Wrote...

2005-05-03T16:52:00.000-04:00

Received an e-card today.. not sure what to make of it but, I'm going to take as he accepts my decision (somewhat).

Here's what he had to say:

Dear Malka
Thanks so much for the birthday present, I enjoyed very much what you wrote on the first page of the book, as well as the card, you are a real great friend. I greatly value and cherish our friendship and I think that, no matter what happens with me in the near future, I will always remember you and your kindess. I promise to stay in touch and to wish you well before the Holidays. That will come from me. I am sure your career will take you very far, I can see it. Before you know it, you'll be married to some nice Jewish man which will make you happy and satisfied in every way, keep working towards that goal and you will succeed, wherever you go whatever you do.
Your friend forever, Yakov

Perhaps what I said to him last night is sinking in.

Another Day, Another Dollar

2005-05-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

Hannah, Y's friend has been calling me because she wants a job where I work. Sometimes I wonder if our friendship is really that or just sustained by her hope to gain employment in my office.In any case, I will do the necessary today to resolve that situation once and for all.

Speaking of other days and other dollars, it doesn't look good for us avoiding an election before the fall. And here I was, daring to hope for a nice, restful summer vacation. The government is barely hanging on.

Where I work, elections are no funny business - it forces us to move into a whole other realm where things take flight on a different gear and those who don't know what they're doing just barely make it out of the funnel cloud. We may just exit this maelstrom with a new boss or we could come back to more of the same! I'd rather have more of the same, ie the evil that I know, rather than a dose of the evil that I've seen out there, scratching at the door to get inside.. Everything is still just speculation at this point - not much else one can do but sit and watch.

Miss Jumbo Queen is Crowned

2005-05-03T01:00:00.000-04:00

Came across this just as I was about to go to bed... Fat girls unite - there is a crown out there to be had!

I Wish You Enough

2005-05-03T00:38:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here, staring at the screen, not quite sure of what it is I want to write. It's 12:10 and I am just getting back from Yakov's. First I guess I should say that nothing happened - he actually got up and opened the appartment door - guess it made him feel safer! I went there thinking that we would have one last talk. I brought him his birthday gift (which I had purchased while he was away) and a card. I'm not so great at good bye so I had hoped he'd make it easy on me but it's clear now that he won't - he's being damn stubborn and wanting to keep me in his life despite all my efforts to thwart that.

This morning, when he called, I told him that we should cut all contact; that he should move on with his life, with the English Rose. He didn't react as I thought he would. I sat there and just wept quietly while he explained why we should keep in contact, making sure to emphasize that if he marries English Rose, we should be careful that she never become suspicious. To which I responded that there was no if he was going to marry her, that it sounded to me like it was a done deal and that he should just leave me alone. For some reason, rather than seeing the logic in what I am saying to him, he is insisting that we keep in touch. Why is it that most men think they can have their cake and eat it too?

His mind was heavy tonight while I was there. He is worried about a sick friend in NY. We made small talk. He always broaches thorny topics when I've got the door handle in hand and am ready to leave. Only then did he begin to address the reason I was there. Again, more of the same - I don't see the harm in it, we can't end it this way, I want us to be friends, we can't lose touch, you mean too much to me, we'll only email for holidays and birthdays to which I was quick to respond that yeah, at first we might but that after a while we would forget and wouldn't and, most important, that I didn't want it to be one-sided, ie that I be the one maintaining the contact. Out he comes with this twisted bit about him being younger so therefore required to "respect his elder" (in this case ME) and make a conscious effort to maintain contact. Faaaaak! Nothing ended up the way I wanted it to - I thought I was going there to make a clean break and it's not done yet. Damn Damn Damn!

I gave him a book for his birthday - actually, I gave him a copy of Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook because he loved the movie and it moved him to tears. I couldn't help myself and wrote him a message inside about how I'm just not that great with good byes so I won't say it and that instead I was wishing him enough. I'm sure you've all received this email at some point but here is the gist of it for those of you who may never have received it - You wish those you love enough to sustain them through life:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough "hellos" to get you through the final "good-bye"

Yakov Shmakov

2005-05-02T00:58:00.000-04:00

Ok, so here is the skinny on what's going on with the never-ending saga!

Yakov returned from Europe last week. As soon as he cleared Customs, my cell was ringing. Once he arrived in our city, he asked me to come over. I made it there but was late to arrive so we didn't get much of a chance to talk as he had to leave again for a 2 hour drive to rehearse for the concert he was going to give. I got to "touch" the beard just for a second, despite knowing that I really shouldn't.. Of course, he HAD to mention that he was frustrated because of not being able to reach English Rose who was away for Pesach. Like I needed to hear that she wasn't picking up the phone and that he was missing her (or so he thinks).

Anyway, he handed me a bag of gifts and I felt like throwing them at his car and we both drove away. Went to hear him sing Wednesday as TRK so aptly picked up on (despite the fact that I intentionaly omitted that detail). He didn't even know I had been there until I called him about an hour after the concert and he asked where I was. He sounded disappointed that I didn't stick around or go to say hello. It was too late though - I was already on the way back home.

We talked a bit about the concert and then about my meeting with the Rabbi. Yakov was concerned that the Rabbi didn't indicate a time frame within which the conversion would take place. When I met with the Rabbi, he asked if I was in a rush to which I responded "No" while firmly stating that I wished to commence more formal learning asap. The Rabbi went on to say that the rapidity of my conversion happening would be dependent on my commitment to study and attending the lessons with him and the lady he is to set me up with. I was fine with all of this since there really is no rush as I am not going to be a kallah anytime soon - least of all with Yakov!

Yakov urged me to fill out the 14 page application form and to plow through the 3 books and contact the Rabbi as soon as I have finished so that he realizes that "I mean business". So my question is this - what does he care how long it takes for me to convert if he is likely going to marry English Rose? More to the point is why would he care?

My only explanation for this is the following:

He is a divorced bad boy Rabbi who's done some things that I can't and will never blog about. His past has been haunting him for quite some time now and it's the first time in a long time that he's found a girl who's family hasn't run the other way when they discover just what it is that he did. However, they have dated for almost 7 weeks now and she is still not sure; she still wonders (apparently aloud) whether he is the ONE! She is waiting for that "I'm in love, I can't live without him/will die if I don't have him" feeling. As nice as that feeling may be, it is an arbitrary one that may never come, not to mention, a feeling upon which one should not base a marriage. My theory is that if she says no to the match, then he's out of options except for me - hence the rush to get me to convert. I may be wrong... I may be crazy... Who knows!

bad girl

2005-05-01T02:49:00.000-04:00

I was invited to a friend's house for dinner and drinks and we spent the better part of the evening drinking - it's almost 3 a.m. and I am wired and horny as hell! I just blew off one of the harem boys because I sooooo am not sober to drive to where he is and I don't really want him to come here! If he had been closer though - not so sure what would have happened. I need to sober up. I need to sleep. So I'm having a moment of weakness here. Happens to all of us I guess. I'm such a sexual person that it's sometimes hard - until now I've been surving on the little bits that Yakov and I have been having but, really, who am I kidding - given the chance, I would sex his ass like it was going out of style! I would make that Yeshiva boy walk funny for days on end and be able to think of nothing else but ME! Muahahahaha!

Celibacy

2005-05-01T02:40:00.000-04:00

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best" - Woody Allen

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional nor do I claim to be. The information contained in this post is wholely based on my personal experiences and readings.

First, let me say that being celibate is never an easy thing. I have been somewhat celibate for the past few months and have recently come to the decision that I was going to remain so until the day I wed. That being said, there have been and continue to be tests and challenges in this area. How do I deal with it?

On the one hand, it has been easy to deal with because of my feelings for one person - I do not want to be touched or caressed by anyone but him. That has really helped resisting the urges and frequent invites from my former harem boys who totally don't understand the transformation I am undergoing. However, being celibate around Yakov is still an incredible challenge. When I see him, I want to touch him. I want to run my fingers in his beard, through his hair, tickle him, play with his ears... not to mention hug him, kiss him and a whole lot of other things I won't get into here! Problem is, we can't go there! The struggle is constant for both of us.. How do we deal with the chemistry, the attraction? How does one juggle being a man, a single Jew (in Yakov's case a Rabbi) and, in my case a horny gentile and not have sex?

I think that first and foremost, it helps to have a really good sense of self. Psychologists call this the "internal locus of control" - You need to be aware of who/what you are and have goals. This is all fine and dandy but not so easily done! Trust me, regardless what your goal is, no amount of focus will appease the burning feelings you may get in your loins! Sad but true! Ok, so right now I'm not so sober and a little (Extremely) horny! Not good!

I have also come to realize that sex without love really is an empty experience. Sure, in the moment, you feel exhilaration, excitement, intense lust, the closeness with someone you obviously find attractive, but in the aftermath of the debauchery, you are left with nothing to talk about and no one to cling to. Cheap, meaningless sex does not keep you warm at night. It does not care when you had a bad day!

So what stops me from having sex? Nothing! But I choose not to because I want the next time I have sex to be with someone who loves me and wants to be with me.

Update for TRK

2005-04-29T11:46:00.000-04:00

Ok, I didn't write that I went to hear Yakov sing but actually, that's exactly what I did. He was taking part in a concert in a city by us and he invited me to go. It was fabulous! I listened and left right after - I didn't bother to go speak to him as a) would likely have been inappropriate and b) there were a bunch of people swarming him after the concert.

A Long Story... for Lostspirit

2005-04-28T14:43:00.000-04:00

Let me fill in the blanks and answer some of your questions.

He is an Orthodox Rabbi and my guess is he leans to the right though, judging from that Matzo tie he had on, I wouldn't put any money on that.

He asked about my background, the reasons why I wished to convert (I will post on that separately), we talked about where I work because (not to toot my own horn) I happen to work in a very important place where I hob nob with powerful people on a regular basis. That seemed to impress him. Name dropping is not my thing but hey, if it gets the job done, let's do it!

The Matzo tie was just... well, hilarious really but I didn't want to seem impolite so I refrained from commenting. You can see the tie here .

In terms of my feelings regarding Judaism, there is still much left to work out but if this makes any kind of sense, it feels like I am finally coming home after being away for a really long time. I fully expect to encounter issues with which I will struggle as I study further but I think that as with anything in life, when we choose it for ourselves rather than have it imposed upon us, our outlook on it is different.

Your feelings and issues with being born a Chassid are probably very akin to mine being a born and bred good catholic girl. I left it because I wasn't given a choice - I was told to do this, believe that... I used to be a very observant catholic - went to church every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I used to be an altar girl (serving the priest while he sang mass), I was part of a of what some today view as a christian cult that was all about the Holy Spirit, miracles and the gift of speaking in tongues. I even thought of becoming a nun but, as we all know, nuns get none!

However, as I grew up, I started having issues with the notion of original sin, the whole idea of Jesus Christ as Messiah and being crucified to redeem humanity from its sins, the concept of sinning and confession to a priest, pennance, eucharist,the holy trinity, you name it I had a problem with it. As soon as I became old enough to make the choice for myself, I stopped everything. It was only later that I realized that many of these questions I had were of a universal nature and that I would likely NEVER get the answer I was looking for. So I began my search!

I have never doubted for a minute that I want/need G-d in my life. I do. There is, in my heart and mind, only ONE G-d. I have always thought that I didn't need to be in any particular place or have any intermediaries to speak to G-d and to pray. That being said, my search led me astray for many years! It is only recently that I have come to realize that of all the religions that I knew of, Judaism was the embodiement of what it is I am seeking.

More to come on this topic, and feel free to ask questions!

Kinda weird but good

2005-04-28T11:17:00.000-04:00

I brought my Mom to shul last night to hear a concert. It was a little strange to be sitting there with her - but it was a nice time. She really enjoyed the music and the singing; her comment was that one doesn't have to be Jewish or understand Hebrew to appreciate the emotion conveyed by the Chazzan. I think she was amused by the evening - she asked me all kinds of questions relating to beards, kippot, sheitels, seating in the synagogue, chazzanut....

What part of "I'm not having sex with you" don't you understand?

2005-04-28T10:03:00.000-04:00

Before I met Yakov, the main focus of my life was pleasure. I was constantly seeking and having pleasurable experiences (aka - cheap, meaningless sex) with young men. It was all about ME and MY pleasure. It was also all about treating men the way they often treat women - as objects to be discarded when you no longer require them. That all changed when I hooked up with Yakov. Within 2 weeks I had all but eliminated the bevy of young men that used to comprise "my harem" as I affectionately used to refer to it.

I only had eyes for one person however scary that might be to someone who's motto was "variety is the spice of life - why settle for one when you can have'em all) (Note that all were not and will not be had). So on I went with Yakov until such a time where we had a serious talk about being negiah and we both embarked on a path to greater self-discipline. Basically it's like this - we are no longer having sex though there have been moments of weakness where we almost succumbed but, thank G-d, I am strong enough to resist his boyish good looks and devilish charm!

Meanwhile, I never figured that there could be members of my disbanded harem who were hangers-on; who'd have trouble letting go... In the past few weeks, I have had to rebuff all kinds of advances and offers from former casanovas. Seems there are a few out there who still want a little piece of me which, if I were still interested would be great but, given that I am NOT interested in any way, shape or form, it makes things difficult at best.

Seems that just plain "NO I don't want to sleep with you anymore or ever" isn't a good enough answer. Who do these people think they are that they feel they have a right to ask me to justify my decision? I have tried to be patient, I have remained calm but at some point, I just feel like screaming "What part of "I'm not having sex with you" don't you understand?"

Meeting with the Rabbi

2005-04-28T01:19:00.000-04:00

I left work early today to come home and prepare for my meeting with the Rabbi. Of all the ideas racing through my mind at a mile a minute, the only thing I could really focus on was "what to wear". My natural penchant was to wear pants - but I resisted and opted for the modest black dress with blazer (lol).

Anyway, so off I went to the shul. Nervous, sweating, having a little bit of "dry mouth" happening.

We went to his office where I sat on what must be the world's muchiest (not likely a word) couch - seriously, I thought that thing would swallow me whole and that the Rabbi would have to send in a search party to rescue me. Somebody call 9-1-1! The gentile was swallowed by the couch!

He was wearing the tackiest matzo tie - which was great because when I got nervous and felt like I was losing focus, I'd just look at the tie and relax. We talked for a bit about me, the reasons why I want to convert, etc. Nothing unexpected.

Then he decides to recap. 1) No Jewish gentleman (eliminates conversion for purpose of marriage), 2) no Jewish family member (eliminates conversion for purpose of rekindling ties to lost roots), 3) no Jewish person holding gun or sharp object to my head (eliminates all possibility of coercion). Why convert then? "You must be insane" he said!Insane! to which I answered (privately, in my mind " I must be or I wouldn't be here!").

To make a long story short, I left there with 3 books to read as homework and a 14 page Application for Conversion to fill out and return to him. He wants to meet again once I have read the books and in the meantime, he will set me up with a lady from the shul who will begin teaching me all that I need to know in order to become a nice Jewish girl! :-)

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself!

2005-04-25T15:52:00.000-04:00

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.
Andy Rooney says:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

1) A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
2) If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
3) A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
4) Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
5) Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
6) A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
7) Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
8) Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
9) A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
10) Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
11) Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".

Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage!

G-d? Are you there? It's me - Malka

2005-04-22T12:47:00.000-04:00

I have been lost for a very long time. I was on a destructive path and didn't realize how much I was hurting myself. I was not feeling. I was not caring. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel, but mostly, I see the error of my ways.

The path to my happiness runs through you. I've always known that but chose to ignore it for a very long time.

Thank you for granting me another day on this earth so that I may work towards fulfilling your will. Thank you for my family and those who love and care for me - I couldn't do it without them!

Grant me the strength to deal, to the best of my ability, with what it is you have in store for me. Grant me the patience to see things through to the end and not to let things get me down. Grant me the wisdom to know when to walk away and when to fight for what is right.

Down.. but not out!

2005-04-22T11:20:00.000-04:00

Thank G-d it's Friday! This week was rough. That being said, I am feeling much better today. Shopping therapy helps! Seriously though, I feel a renewed sense of hope.

Many of us spend our lives trying to get and achieve what we want. It is easy to think that it is up to us to make our agenda happen. I'm learning that trying to mold what I want to fit G-d's agenda is what life is all about. Love that is dependent on getting what I want is not real love; it's self-love. Loving G-d even when He doesn't give us what we want is a true relationship. I am also realizing that sometimes the only way that G-d can get us to do what He needs us to do is to prevent us from having what we want.

So what does this all mean? It means that I need to stop trying so hard; that while I may think I want to be with Yakov, it may not be what is best for him or I. It may just be that Malka and Yakov together is not part of G-d's plan.

I'm not that easy to forget

2005-04-22T10:31:00.000-04:00

I admit it - I listen to country music! I've been playing this song over and over in my mind for the past few days....

You think when you walk out that door
You'll never think about me anymore
So sure that you got it all figured out

I'm not that easy to forget
Someday you'll wake up and regret
You ever let me get away
I'll be on your mind night and day
I'm not the kind of girl you leave
And simply walk away scot free
You don't believe it yet
But I'm not that easy to forget

I'm not gonna stand in your way
I'll even help you pack your suitcase
I wouldn't want to keep you from leaving town
But as sure as you're crossing that line
One day I'll be crossing your mind
It'll hit you hard when the truth comes down

I'm not that easy to forget